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5 Lame Things That U of M is #1 At

 

You may have heard U of M somehow placed fourth in the nation as one of the best public universities to attend. This is hard for us to grasp, because they’re so unbearably bad at everything they try to do. But good news, Wolverines, you’re good at lots of other stuff besides sports, academics, and life. Let’s examine the list of things that U of M is doing right!

 

5.) Current World Record for Wearing the Same Pair of Pants the Longest:
As you might already know, Coach Harbaugh holds this very stinky record, and he’s damn proud of it. Harbaugh is known for always wearing his signature khakis, but that’s just because he hasn’t changed his pants in over six years. The same pair of khakis, every day, rain or shine. Many have offered to buy him new pants, but he claims that those are his lucky khakis, and that the stench drives him to succeed. Whatever you say, man.

 

4.) Top Consumers of Dandruff Shampoo and Dandruff Related Products:
In Ann Arbor, it snows all year round! Well, snows scalp flakes, that is. The University of Michigan boasts the highest population of whitecaps in the entire U.S. Due to poor hygiene, and just plain inferior genes, U of M students can’t seem to stop scratching their flaky, flaky scalps. If ever a Wolverine student gets themselves into a “Hansel and Gretel”-style jam, they can leave a trail of their dandruff to find their way back home. Nice!

 

3.) Biggest University Crop of Lima Beans in The USA:
Most universities have an agricultural farm on campus. MSU’s is filled with beautiful horses and livestock, along with delicious fruits and vegetables. Over at U of M’s campus, however, they’ve opted to grow exclusively lima beans. Personally, we think that lima beans are the worst bean on the block, but hey, keep calm and Lima on, right?

 

2.) They’re the Best at Finding Creative Ways to Use Urine:
U of M has been in the news lately because they just received a $3-million-dollar grant to turn urine into crop fertilizer. First, we’d like to ask, where are they getting all this urine? And secondly, we’d like to say, you guys can just have this one. We really don’t want to compete with you in this particular category.

 

1.) They’re #1 at Choking at the Last Possible Second:
We all know this. Every Spartan and everyone on earth. Every time we think U of M is finally about to win a game, they’re able to prove us wrong. Even if it seems like they’re totally going to win and there’s no way in hell that they can lose, they’re going to choke. We all remember what happened last year when U of M suffered a brutal loss to the Spartans, and we’re all really excited to see it again this year.

 

 

For those about to rush, we salute you:

 

 
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