Have you ever wondered what your professor is doing while he’s in his office with the door closed? We have, and when we found out… well, it wasn’t pretty. Unfortunately for everyone, word got around to the MSU faculty that the office isn’t a safe place for a good ol’ six-digit fidget, so now they’re getting creative. Here are five places in EL not to look during lunch break.
5.) The Last Few Seats of the Route 1 Bus:
In his defense, who hasn’t stolen an intimate moment for a little self-pleasure while on the way to the Okemos Meijer? Nobody’s ever going to look here unless they’re expecting to find much, much worse.
4.) That Museum That Isn’t the Broad:
The Broad is much sexier, but sometimes you’re a certain kind of horny where you’re looking for something old and near a library, that’ll get the job done right. “Heritage Hall” isn’t a place your professor will be proud of whipping it out, but he probably won’t feel all that ashamed, either.
3.) By (But Not In, Thank God) the Drinking Fountains at the Tennis Courts:
Don’t worry, there’s probably not any jizz in the drinking fountains at MSU. There is, however, jizz somewhere around the ones at the tennis courts, courtesy of your professor. Do with this information what you will.
2.) The Hamster Cage:
There’s nothing better than living out a solo “I Am a Sex Hamster” fantasy and a “Dick Out in a Parking Garage” fantasy at the same time. Your professor knows you won’t be looking around for him in here, and he especially knows you don’t think it’s him over there in the corner wearing that hamster costume.
1.) The Rock:
The geographic version of 2016’s sexiest man is the perfect spot for your professor to pull out his Johnson and The People’s Elbow, and hit Rock Bottom. Everyone’s looking to win big, and what better way than to hit a euphoric moment at a historic monument?
But lo! It’s Thanksgiving Break, and now those little fuckers that keep looking in the riskier self-pleasure spots are gone! Here are three more places your profs will go for “stuffing the turkey” and “cleaning the bone” this week!
3.) On the Railroad, Surrounded by Rose Petals, Asphyxiated, Wearing Only Billowy White Clothing:
Everybody has their thing, and it’s been one helluva 2016. Your prof’s gotta do what he’s gotta do.
2.) The Backyard of 221 Collingwood:
You can’t say you haven’t felt the uncontrollable and immediate urge on the walk home from class at least once. Generally, this urge would be one that would get you into jail (or an orgy, if you’re paying for the good porn), but now that all those little shits are home for the holiday, the world is full of possibilities.
1. Next to That Picture of Boobs in the Union:
While closing your eyes and picturing that girl Addie from EC 202 usually does the trick, sometimes you just need a visual to make things perfect. Things are no different for your professor. Unfortunately, he probably hasn’t picked up on the whole “online porn” thing, and is stuck staring at the boobs on that picture in the Union lobby.
Readers beware, because you never know who’s masturbating behind every corner of MSU’s campus. Next time you see your professor sitting at the bar at Beggar’s Banquet, just know he may not be there to do what you think he’s there to do.
If you woke up this morning surrounded by ravaged Lunchable boxes, this is for you: