Game day can be a long day— you tailgated as hard as you could all morning, threw up in an overused Porta Potty, and then rallied and dragged yourself to a noon game like the hero you are. But during those 6-10 hours of raging like an absolute monster, you’ve got to learn to fend for yourself, because it’s a jungle out there. Here are some tested and true ways to snag yourself some stuff to get through that game, even when we spend 15 minutes on the two-yard line and still can’t get that touchdown.
5.) Waiting Outside the Gates:
If you’re a diehard Spartan fan, you may spend hours, or even a whole night, camped out outside the pearly gates of Spartan Stadium. If you’re too broke to bring food, you have two options: die or get resourceful. Buddy up to your neighbors in line from the get-go; offer to share your gum, or write their papers, or wash their feet. Later, when they order pizza, they’ll have to give you a slice and won’t think you’re creepy.
4.) Hit Up the Concessions:
No money? No problem! Just approach the nearest concession stand, lean in close, and whisper, “I know where you hid the body”. It’s a failsafe way to get you a free hot dog with extra relish. If that doesn’t work, grab the nearest napkin or ketchup packet you can find and run, so you can preserve your pride while also still getting free stuff.
3.) Join the Team:
Athletes at MSU get tons of free stuff, and you can too! All you have to do is literally be able to catch a football and run at a respectable speed and you will be an improvement to our current football roster. Once you’re on the team, the free stuff should flood in.
2.) Hoard Fruit Snacks and Granola Bars:
At some point during the game, tasty treats circulate the stadium to help out the starving. Take full advantage of this by hoarding fruit snacks. Better yet, accost all of your neighbors and trick them into giving you theirs by telling them that if they don’t, you’ll probably puke on them.
1.) Eat Off the Damn Ground:
Stop pretending like you have any shame at all and literally crawl the floors of the stadium in search of loose food and lost sweaters. You can collect thousands of discarded foam hats and half-finished water bottles. If you’re lucky, you may even get your hands on a half-full cup of pretzel cheese. Yum.
Whether you drag yourself around the vomit-covered floor or actually join our team, getting free stuff is a must to survive game day. Hopefully, you can drown out the never-ending waves of despair caused by our football team’s record with half drunk water bottles and a slice of your neighbor’s pizza.
No, you can’t use shacking to justify being “technically homeless”: