Before you know it, finals will be here, and you’ll be spontaneously vomiting all over your friends due to the overwhelming, looming fear of the end results. Your pursuit in the studying of irrelevant questions that’ll never actually have anything to do with what you actually end up doing in your life has been remarkable. Here are 6 ways to de-stress before those godforsaken finals.
6.) Don’t Sleep:
Just to be frank, this article was completed at 6:37 a.m. after foolishly pulling an all-nighter. Being completely at the mercy of the Shaw caf coffee does things to you. Not being able to sleep a wink does wonders for your stress. Your eyes can’t focus, you can’t write proper sentences without proofreading them four times over, and you won’t be able to remember all of the unrelenting responsibilities you agreed to. Caffeine or die.
The age-old practice to be Zen with the body and mind. Think about if MSU actually did well in basketball. Think about how we might do well in football, when in all actuality, we know we’re going to be bad (it’s a rebuilding year guys, c’mon). Think about the kinky sex you would have with that hot packaging TA. Oh yeah, he’ll show you his package. Become one with the stress. Accept it and live through it.
4.) Participate in Coitus with Someone Way Out of Your League:
You’ve been dating up your whole life, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. Find out what the real man is like under that Sparty uniform. Find your favorite The Black Sheep writer and take them out for a nice Sunday brunch. Get Thai food with the girl of yo’ dreams at Thai Princess in Okemos. Sex is the ultimate stress relief, and just remember, if you can’t find anyone else, you’ve always got righty.
3.) Run Off Your Beer Gut:
Exercise is consistently praised as one of the best ways to de-stress. You live in East Lansing, so obviously you have a beer gut. That’s a given. Running hurts; it’s hot, and you sweat out of every crevice on your body. It’s hell. Nobody likes it. Therefore, scrap this one. Running sucks, so it inherently can’t de-stress you. Besides, chicks are into dad bods.
2.) Drink More Alcohol:
Completely contradictory to the last point made, drinking more, as a matter of fact, helps. It’s great for forgetting anything and everything. You’ll have no idea you have four assignments, three exams, and two jobs to attend to. You’re only in college once, so why not make it as forgettable as possible. Right? Right.
1.) Spend Time with People You Love:
Nobody loves you during finals. Everyone is pissed. Try again.
Actual 1.) Accept the Apparent and Inevitable Failure:
It’s just a test. It won’t matter in ten years. Don’t sweat it. You’ll fail. Your parents will be upset. You’ll be in shambles. Your significant other will dump you. You’ll get fired from your job. You’ll get robbed. You’ll get wrongfully convicted. You’ll do hard time. You’ll get out and join the show Pitbulls and Parolees. I’m telling you—that text won’t matter when you’re snuggling a pitbull with Jeff from the county jail.
Finals are stressful, and they’re supposed to be. It’s what weeds out the real Spartans. Don’t stress, and never fret—The Black Sheep will always have a shoulder for you to cry on.
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