Whether your Keurig is on the fritz from that time you tried to make coffee with vodka instead of water or the nearest Starbucks line is longer than your will to live, for some reason all Spartans have consumed this liquid serotonin-depletor disguised as coffee at some point. The Black Sheep has compiled a list of alternatives to save your precious taste buds from encountering Sparty’s coffee ever again.
6.) The last gulp of a five-hour-old pitcher from ‘Rama:
During your third hour at The Riv, you’ll find this near-empty pitcher of lukewarm liquid gold calling your name behind the pool table. Luckily for you, this sip will come with at least a half an hour’s worth of beer-flavored burps!
5.) Your health-nut roommate’s detox water:
No one’s really sure what’s in this, but hey, it’s in a mason jar, so it must be cool! There’s nothing like leaf-infused water to get your juices flowing.
4.) The floor of a frat party:
Even world-renowned Iron Chef, Alex Guarnaschelli, couldn’t cook up a concoction as mouth-watering as this. Salty sweat drops mixed with sweet Mike’s Hard Lemonade-induced vomit make for the perfect salty-sweet blend.
3.) Pepto-Bismol the day after your Chipotle outing:
Open your hatch and savor every fleeting moment you have with this infamous cherry goop, until the next time you decide to send your digestive system into guerilla warfare against a chicken burrito bowl.
2.) The blood, sweat, and tears of the Michigan football team:
Found only at your local Walmart, this three-ingredient cocktail will have all of your friends asking where you got a beverage that tastes so much like overrated scUM.
1.) Actual water from the Red Cedar:
This flowing wasteland has fostered itself as a home to everything from used condoms to Sparty’s golf cart. The refined blend of polluted water and fish shit will really get your taste buds tangoing.
Whatever your alternative choice may be, it’s sure to be better than the torture that accompanies sipping on a Sparty’s coffee.