When talking campus secrets, one must always bring up the steam tunnels – a mysterious web of pathways underneath campus that the administration claims is nothing more than the infrastructure that heats our buildings. As inquisitive Spartans, we know this is false. Here are six potential ways to discover the secrets found underground.
6.) The Tray Return at Sny-Phi:
This is one of the most used holes on campus; wild things go into this hole, from that slim condom wrapper you were too embarrassed to throw in the trash to the super cool salt sculpture you made when you should’ve been studying. However, while we know what goes in, we never know where it goes. Aside from the time your drunk LCC buddy threw a plate into it like a Frisbee, no evidence of life on the other side has been noted. Such a still, grim landscape makes this location highly likely to be an entrance.
5.) The Construction Workers’ Trailer Near 1855 Place:
These promising new apartments are sure to give you a place to stay, free of the wonderful, musty scent of marijuana that graces the other apartment complexes nearby. However, these new apartments are built right on top of the edge of the legendary steam tunnels. Don’t let the furiously masturbating, Dorito-eating resident of the trailer scare you away – he is simply guarding a large, open entrance to the underground. Give him a 2-liter of Diet Dew and a sensual rub – he’ll let you in.
4.) The Abandoned Thai Hut:
This old, deteriorating building once thrived; however, when Asian Buffet began offering lethal quantities of food for less money than your last parking ticket, shit got real. Now, its only occupant is the Wells Hall Preacher. If you can withstand the force of a Bible or two striking your head, there are no obstacles to reach the basement. The age of this building rivals the age of the campus infrastructure, making it easy to believe that an entrance to the steam tunnels lies below. Say your Hail Mary and go exploring, because this one looks promising.
3.) The Tunnel Between Mason and Abbot Halls:
While many toga-clad frat rats use this tunnel to avoid the shameful glares of their studious floormates upstairs, you’re sure to find an entrance to the tunnels if you can tolerate the terror. These mysterious doors seem to radiate heat. You many find anything from the possessed little girl from The Ring, or Kirk Cousins binge-eating some cafeteria food, wishing he was still a Spartan. If you can make it past whatever horrors may lie inside, the tunnels should reveal themselves soon after.
2.) The Book Return at the Library:
It’s time to use that lube – lather up, and dive in! If the many nights at Rick’s haven’t gotten to your gut too quickly, you should be able to slide right down into the tunnels. We all see the occasional legs dangling from this chute, which many believe are the library drunk after a long night of searching for that bottle of Tito’s he left behind a bookshelf. However, these are actually the legs of an adventurer a wee bit too portly to make it down. Get yourself slick with lube, suck in, and jump in.
1.) Under the Bogue Street Bridge:
Little do most people know, but the Bogue Street Bridge is good for much more than burning some bush in private. Take a dive into the vagina-like crevice made by the ground and the bridge, and the steam tunnels should be accessible after some minor digging. The manhole covers above ground are further evidence that this is surely an entrance. Bring your shovel and get digging, because this spot is sure to be the start to many adventures.
Whether you want a place to get high or you’re just curious about MSU’s secrets, there are many ways to attempt to get into the steam tunnels. Good luck!