The Red Cedar River is foul. We at The Black Sheep are confident it was great at one point, but after over 150 years of drunk college students’ barf, piss, and other excretions being dumped into it, it’s going to be utterly revolting. Here are 6 wild things that washed up after the Red Cedar flood.
6.) 132 Bicycles:
We thought it was going to be more, but that flood only scratched the surface. There’s a reason why swimming in the Red Cedar leaves you with extra toes and a severe, bloody, and painful case of Amoebiasis. It’s because of all the damn metal bikes in the river.
5.) The Whereabouts of That Missing Malaysia Flight:
On March 8th, 2014 the Malaysian Airlines Flight 370 mysteriously disappeared somewhere over the South China Sea. This story took the world by storm (theories even say the airplane was probably taken by a storm) – nobody had a clue where the plane went. Astonishingly, the entire flight, along with the crew, were harbored at the bottom of the murky currents of the Red Cedar in East Lansing, Michigan. Thank goodness we found ‘em.
4.) Donald Trump’s Tax Returns:
“Hide them in a place where no one will ever find them,” whispered Vladimir Putin into Trump’s abnormally small earhole. Putin’s supple, small, wet lips excited the Donald and his little Donald. With its inescapable current and opaque, brown color, the Red Cedar was the last place someone would think to look. Thankfully, the flood uncovered the hoarding and tax evasion of millions. Impeachment is likely.
3.) All of Lou Anna’s Dirty Li’l Secrets:
A 9,567-page book was uncovered after the flooding, titled My Dirty Li’l Secrets and no, we’re not talking about the All-American Rejects bop Dirty Little Secret. The author? None other than the president of the university, Lou Anna K. Simon. Damn, what a read. What an exhausting, long-winded and troublesome read. We at The Black Sheep wish we wouldn’t have found it, but being respectable journalists is our duty, and the truth has to be revealed.
2.) The Proof of the Existence and Power of Christ:
It’s the Bible. The Black Sheep found a Bible.
1.) An Underwater Dairy Store:
It’s even popular among the fish! Nobody can get enough of that Sesquicentennial Swirl. Legend has it that a cone was dropped in the river many a year ago and the fish couldn’t get enough. It’s unfortunate that a profitable underwater-based business washed up on the shore. Hopefully it can recuperate in the summer months.
Lots of crazy shit was found in the Red Cedar after the flood, but hopefully this is a wake-up call for anyone about to pollute a natural landmark that could be so beautiful if we tried a little. We at The Black Sheep ask you to “Think before you dump.”