Spartans vs Zombies is upon us yet again, and The Black Sheep wants to make sure you don’t bring shame to the Spartan community. Here’s a list of tips to ensure you survive the annual zombie apocalypse of East Lansing.
6.) Collect All Their Horcruxes and Destroy Them:
We’ll start you off easy. Find objects that are dear to the zombies that also open your eyes to parts of their past — while also experiencing adventure and personal trials along the way — then destroy them. What kind of things? Anything from the free t-shirt they got at Sparticipation to their Conrad’s wrapper would work. This should take you about as long as it takes to read a well anticipated 7th and final novel in a young adult fiction series.
5.) Tell Them, “If you don’t have anything nice to say, say it anyway.”:
Yeah, that’s not the original phrase, but their IQ has dropped to -43, and they’ll believe anything. Once you give them this advice, they’ll start having as open a mind as a brainless zombie, and you know that’s gonna start some drama with their zombie companions. Does Trevor think Zack is kinda half-assing his zombie limp? He’ll tell him. Is Andrea barely making an effort to destroy her sweater in order to carry the signature, zombie-esque air? You bet everybody and their undead brother is saying it. Soon, these flesh-eaters will be attacking each other limb from limb, or at least, limb from whatever-they-have-left.
4.) Travel Back in Time and Tell Them to Have MSU Going All the Way in Their Bracket:
3.) Teach a Young Boy the Ways of the Force and Let It Destroy Him:
Find a young zombie, preferably one that’s into podracing, and take him under your Jedi wing without realizing the disastrous potential of what is to come. You may die along the way, but you’ll probably come back as a ghost and help his non-zombie kid out. Don’t worry, they’ll make peace before your zombie ultimately dies in the end. If you can do this, you might even get to party on Endor with a bunch of hooded teddy bears.
2.) Become a Bridge-Keeper of the Red Cedar:
Whenever a zombie approaches the bridge near Wells to cross, inform them they must answer 3 questions correctly or else they will be blown off the bridge. You know, Monty Python style. You won’t even need to deal with Jeopardy!-level trivia, any coherent question will send them plummeting straight into the Red Cedar. This type of zombie defense also works against the Wells Hall Preacher – who knew?
1.) Get Smaug:
You know he’s gonna demand a pretty penny for you to wipe out a population of zombies, but we’d be lying if we said it wasn’t worth it. Dig out all your family heirlooms or even an Arkenstone if you have it, and he’ll be frying those brain eaters before you can say Bilbo Baggins.
Survival Tip: Don’t Give Them a Wooden Block That Reads “Live, Laugh, Love”:
This seems like a nice gesture, a peace offering of sorts, but if you choose to do this, expect to have your living head ripped off. These fellas can very clearly not live, are far too slow to get a joke to laugh, and their hearts have been dead too long to feel any sense of human warmth. Remind them of this, and you’re guaranteed to have your brains sautéed into zombie dinner.