It’s that time of year, where the theatre department tries to spook ya again with another trip to the Haunted Auditorium! This year’s theme is Urban Legends, which, not gonna lie, is pretty lame given that this is the only Theatre event people ever go to. But don’t fret! We at The Black Sheep have found seven easy suggestions for the group to assure they give their audience one hell of a frighten!
7.) Your 8 a.m. Recitation:
Now this one’s sure to pull a shriek or two out of you! This theme revolves around that horrified feeling you get when you realize tomorrow you’ll drag your hungover ass to your Turf Management recitation at the wee hours of the morning, just to be told the same exact shit you’ve been listening to for the past week. Your “fun TA” will greet you at the door and begin the tour with “Does anybody have any questions about what we learned in class?”
6.) The Realization That Your English Degree Is Actually Useless:
You’re graduating this year! Bachelor’s Degree in English! Faaaaaantastic. The Aud, however, wants to wake you the fuck up. Enter the Aud, and you will find welfare applications lining the walls of your mother’s basement. Look in the closet and you will find your current work uniform, but the word “manager” is stitched into the upper left pouch. You work in food service, and probably will for the rest of your life. Terrifying, isn’t it?
5.) A 2-10 MSU Football Season:
This Aud opens to a videotape of us losing our tenth straight game to the Nittany Lions. Tyler O’Connor starts to study. Riley Bullough sobbing from the sidelines, shoulder iced. Mark Dantonio inherits the aggression of Harbaugh. It’s a massacre…and possibly a reality.
4.) Fraggle Rock Returning to HBO In HD:
Jim Henson’s instrument-playing anthropomorphic atrocities, in High Def! The news alone runs a shiver down your spine.
3.) A Riot Off Campus:
Ahhh, East Lansing. A city with couches ablaze, drunk students fighting, and people constantly screaming “Go Green!” until your ears bleed. All good fun until, all of a sudden, a brigade of horses from the East Lansing Police Department can be seen in the distance. They chase you through the Aud as you try to make your way back to the dorms.
2.) Your Roommate Bringing All of His Cosplaying Friends to Your Room:
Storyline: It’s Halloween night! You bring all your friends up to your dorm to play some video games, get shwasted, and eat pizza. As you turn the handle of the door, you find your roommate and his friends getting ready to go to Virgin-Con 2016. A collaboration of poorly-made Attack On Titan costumes are being super glued together as the tune of K-Pop and Ouran Highschool Host Club playing in the background scares off all of your friends. You are now left to pretend you’re enjoying your time with the weebs.
1.) A Room Full of Relatives Asking You Questions About College:
“Oh, hey dere, champ! How goes school? Where are ya studyin’? Oh! What kinda classes are you taking? What do you plan to do with that? Why, it looks like you have everything all planned out! We always knew you were the smart one!” You have to have this conversation with each of your aunts in the Aud. If you’re even less fortunate, you may have to listen to that one drunk cousin rant about locker room talk and how we’re gonna “make America great again.”
Ever need a reason to skip class? Think again: