We at Michigan State have a lot that we’re thankful for. We’re thankful for food delivery, Brody Caf, and Coach Izzo. But at the end of the day, when we settle into our cozy MSU beds, surrounded by the scent of Conrad’s and the sound of vomiting freshmen, we’re really just happy we don’t go to U of M. Here’s why:
7.) Maize and Blue are Ugly:
Not only are the colors unappealing together, but they also don’t look good on anyone. It’s hard to muster up school spirit when you have to choose between looking like a school bus and a beached whale in your school colors.
6.) H.H. Holmes is an Alumni:
Haven’t heard of this guy? H.H. Holmes is a University of Michigan alumni who confessed to 27 murders, but some think he may have killed up to 200. Hey, U of M, your body count is higher than your ACTs!
5.) Leslie Knope Doesn’t Like Ann Arbor:
Leslie Knope, the government goddess queen from the epitome of all comedies Parks and Recreation, can be quoted saying “Ann Arbor sounds disgusting”. If this raging political powerhouse doesn’t like Ann Arbor, you shouldn’t either. #Knope2016
4.) They are #3 in Elementary Education:
I know what you’re thinking, and number 3 isn’t bad. But you know what’s better? Number 1. And do you know what school is number 1 in both Elementary Education and Nuclear Physics? Michigan State University. Boom, baby.
3.) They Have a Webpage Called “Michigan Bowel Control Program”:
Now we’re not saying issues of the bowel aren’t important. We’re just saying that University of Michigan is the perfect university to work on those issues, seeing as many alumni as well as current students are themselves assholes. Better learn to keep it in.
2.) They Don’t Even Have a Real Mascot:
How can any sports team consider itself a real sports team if they don’t have a mascot? Who will fire them up? Who will lead the charge across campus, over bike racks, and into the stadium? Who will you take a picture with to spice up your Instagram feed?
1.) The Jim Harbaugh™:
U of M fans will tell you The Jim Harbaugh™ was brought in to revitalize the football program. This is a lie. The Jim Harbaugh™ was created to sell jackets and hats with a special “M” at a ridiculous price and to increase the sales of khaki pants. Anyone who tells you otherwise is part of the conspiracy. Be vigilant. Do not buy khakis to be like The Jim Harbaugh™.
From the lack of a mascot to the Michigan Bowel Control Program, the University of Michigan is a pretty shitty place to end up. So when Ohio State absolutely thrashes our poor dying football team on the 19th, and you want to take a running jump off the Farm Lane Bridge and into the Red Cedar, take a second to be grateful that you aren’t a U of M student.
If binge drinking is a major problem, then why does cheap beer come in packs of 30?: