The election is over, and there is nothing to do now but pick our heads up and try to douse fires as we watch the world burn. Anyhow, in the spirit of wishful thinking, here are some people you know who could have effortlessly won this election:
8.) The Guy You Saw Butt-Chugging Burnett’s Last Friday:
Say what you want about his politics, but this guy can hold his liquor. A proud supporter of Buzzfeed and Sperry’s, this idiot knows nothing of foreign policy; but hey, qualifications don’t matter anymore. His best selling point? Not accused of any crimes. Yet.
7.) The Man-Bunned Frat Boy Who is Happy to Tell You Why Hillary Lost:
With buzzwords and phrases like “crook”, “the system”, “my dad’s a lawyer but”, “the majority”, “my philosophy degree”, “I mean I voted for Gary Johnson”, and “I have black friends”, this political dime has, at the very least, opinions and believes in global warming.
6.) Anyone Who Believes in Global Warming:
Yes, this (probably) means you. Two of the top 4 candidates on our 2016 ballots were Climate Change skeptics. While you may not have an undergraduate degree, nor any interest in politics (other than the legalization of weed), a rudimentary understanding of basic scientific principles would have left you excellently positioned to become the President of the United States.
5.) Someone from Farmhouse Frat:
Just kidding. These guys would have been worse.
4.) The Spartan Ski Club:
Potentially the most irresponsible group of humans to ever meet and try to drunkenly ski down a mountain, anyone from the Ski Club would have been a popular candidate. With Bernie Sanders-like finesse, a Ski Club candidate would have taken the DNC (or RNC) by storm.
3.) L.J. Scott’s 19-Year-Old Son:
With this guy’s reasoning skills, he would have slayed in the election. He clearly has above average intelligence, a killer jawline inherited from his father, and L.J.’s name recognition.
2.) The Kid You Elected Class President in Grade School:
Back in the day this kid got a whole lot done — better colored pencils for the art room, fewer worksheets, a toy drive, you name it. They weren’t able to get the longer recesses that they promised, but no politician is perfect. Your ex-class president has marginal political experience, and probably isn’t a nose-picker anymore, which is more than we can say of some.
1.) Any James Madison College Student:
Your James Madison friend may have also been a class president back in their heyday, but now they’ve moved on to the world of longwinded Facebook posts and aggressive tweets. With that hoppin’ twitter feed, lack of criminal charges, and actual coursework in political science, your average JMC kid could’ve taken this election by storm.
From the Butt-Chugger to the JMC student, a lot of people would’ve appealed more on the ballot. Like, a lot of people. Despite this trash-ass presidential race, we can always count on these randos to brighten up our days.
If you woke up this morning surrounded by ravaged Lunchable boxes, this is for you: