As you come down from the high that is spring break, you’re probably hitting a bit of a slump, but fear not. The Black Sheep is here to remind you what a useless, smelly, heinous piece of garbage you are.
8.) Yogi Tea Trash:
“Anyone up for hot yoga?” you ask your friends over a cup of jasmine tea, adjusting your Lululemon headband. You take full advantage of free yoga on Wednesday nights in Shaw, but you might as well be a used tea bag— healthy looking, but empty on the inside.
7.) Abandoned Umbrella Trash:
Just like this umbrella, you are covered in snow and no longer useful. Worse than that, you let people walk all over you, you spineless, dirty, umbrella.
6.) UAB Trash:
The best part of being UAB trash is that you don’t know you’re trash yet. You think you’re super productive and making a difference on campus, but give it a week and, just like this campus table brochure, soon you’ll be thrown out. Because really, you just take up precious space at a table.
5.) Paper Cup Trash:
Just like this paper cup, you are flimsily designed and not eco-friendly. Your usefulness has a shelf life of literally one meal, and you’re very likely to end up abandoned in the snow outside the Union.
4.) Dryer Sheet Trash:
Much like this dryer sheet that fell out of someone’s laundry, you have spent a night or two passed out in your dorm hallway. It takes a real garbage human to not only get drunk enough to sleep on a nasty dorm hall floor, but to also lose your key in the same night. Curl up on the floor, you piece of dryer lint trash.
So maybe you’re not trash, but you’re recycling. Just like this bag of Spartan recycling, you’ve been sitting around doing nothing but collecting dust for almost three weeks now. Don’t you think it’s time you got some work done, you overflowing recycling bin of a human?
2.) Lost Ponytail Trash:
You probably have cooties, and no one will touch you, just like this lost ponytail holder. There’s probably nothing wrong with you, but no one is willing to chance it, so there you will stay, alone on a bench in Shaw.
1.) Caf Trash:
Just like this crumpled up, discarded napkin, you spend most of your life in the caf and probably will get stepped on and kicked about 30 times before someone picks you up and puts you where you belong— the garbage.
Just remember, from caf trash to paper cup trash, it’s never too late to take a step back and evaluate the marinating pile of garbage that is your life.
WATCH: We hit the streets of Chicago’s St. Patty’s Day Parade to see how woke people were.