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8 Reasons to Get Your Ass Out and Vote

 

 

We’re not going to tell you it’d be stupid to vote for a certain candidate, but we definitely think you’d be stupid not to go and at least vote. In case you were struggling to get out of bed and leave the house, here’s a few motivations for you to take five minutes and cast a ballot.

 

8.) Magic Johnson Tweeted It:
If there’s one thing we’ve learned from this election season, it’s that whatever you see about politics on Twitter must be true, especially if it’s Tweeted by a celebrity. Regardless of whether or not you’re with Her… listen to Magic.

 

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7.) Cookies!
Most polling locations in the East Lansing area give away more than just those cool “I Voted” stickers that you’re supposed to post all over social media. Look for suckers, cookies, cider, and doughnuts. It’s like a trip to Andy T’s, except you also exercise your most important right as an American!

 

6.) You Already Put So Much Work to Register…
Remember when you filled out all those goddamn forms to register to vote? Somebody probably accosted you in your dorm or on the street while you were headed straight for the bar. Make that time you didn’t spend at the bar wasn’t wasted – go vote.

 

5.) Voting is Sexy:
There’s nothing that turns on a prospective sexual mate more than putting a ballot into a ballot box. You don’t want to rush into something as important as this. Ease it in slowly at first, then reconsider your vote and pull it back out. GOD, you’re such a tease. Once you put it all the way in, everyone will be super happy, and then you can finish up and go back to bed.

 

4.) It’s, y’know, your civic duty as an American:
We the people in order to form a more perfect Union, have certain unalienable rights that keep us the most free, patriotic, and badass country in the world. Most importantly, we’re talking the right (and obligation) to cast a ballot. Also, keep in mind that doing your duty will keep strangers on the street from walking up and (gasp) talking to you.

 

3.) You’ve Already Gotten Up, So You’ve Got a Great Excuse to Hit the New Panda:
That’s right, a Panda Express just opened up on Grand River, and even though we’ve had one in the International Center for who knows how long, this is still a really big deal. Since you’ve already taken the effort to go vote, reward yourself with some Orange Chicken and a fortune cookie!

 

2.) There are No Asterisks in the History Books:
When your kids and grandkids (assuming you get to have sex someday) are taking a high school history class, the books will say “Hillary or Donald was elected President of the United States in 2016. Jesus Christ, how could America let this happen?” It will not say “Don’t worry about who won because your relative didn’t vote, so it doesn’t even matter.” Do it for the kids.

 

1.) But Look What Could Happen if You Let the Other Team Win:
Oh my God, could you imagine? Think of the state of America tomorrow if you don’t vote and then the other person that isn’t the one you prefer wins the election! Lord help us! Clearly that person is not stable if he or she can’t even handle a Twitter or Email account or whatever that whole thing was. Also, that one person has some serious ties to big business. Like he or she is in their pocket, or is literally part of big business, or something like that. Wow, how awful! And that hair! It looks like your crazy aunt’s hair, and Aunt Helen is definitely not qualified to run the free world.

 

Grab this election by the pussy! Don’t let Aunt Helen run the country. Go vote, pronto.

 

 

 

If binge drinking is a major problem, then why does cheap beer come in packs of 30?:

 
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