MSU’s conspiracy theorists rejoiced this week as junior Ben McIlwee discovered a P.A.C.E. employee taking a cut for himself during a Akers Hall Blood Drive.
“I always give blood whenever I can, but something seemed off,” says McIlwee. “I guess I should have noticed there wasn’t a proper Red Cross sign. It said ‘20 Minute Unloading Zone’ with ‘for blood’ written under it in crayon.”
McIlwee continued, “The whole thing looked very hastily put together. The lady who drew my blood had her polo on inside out. And even though I didn’t ask any questions, she got really defensive about how she was ‘just doing her job.’ It all finally clicked when she sneezed and a curtain fell down. There was someone else behind it just drinking the donations.”
“I would have been grossed out if it wasn’t so unsurprising. You’d have to be a an undead embodiment of the unholy to work for Parking Services, so it doesn’t shock me at all to find out these people are literal vampires.”
When pressed about his escape McIlwee replied, “I darted for the first Bird Scooter I could find to get out of there, but I broke out in a cold sweat when I saw the only one nearby had a parking ticket for some reason. I didn’t want to be responsible for that. It turns out if I just walked they couldn’t hurt me.”
Others in the dorm lobby have since claimed that “Parking Services have been known to donate to undermine charities,” and they “used to think goths were badass until they found out they were just a bunch of meter maids.”
To expand upon these comments The Black Sheep reached out to McIlwee for comment, but was unavailable due to being in debtor’s prison for $400 in unpaid parking tickets.
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