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MSU Archery Team Impales Students in Cupid-Themed Event


There’s a lot to keep track of in the East Lansing air this Valentine’s season: love, asbestos, and—you guessed it—deadly arrows.


That’s right, MSU’s very own archery team has decided to take the loveboat down the Red Cedar this season, hopping off to save hundreds of lonely souls waiting for the magic of love to sweep them off their feet, or in this case, knock them flat on their back.


After dodging a few dozen arrows tied with pink streamers hurling through the air, we found Paul Jenkins, President of the Archery Club.


“There’s a lot of lonely people out there, and going through Valentine’s Day alone is kinda a slap in the face to anyone single,” Jenkins explained. “To avoid falling into a bottomless pit of despair, the MSU Archery Team decided to take matters into our own hands. You know how Cupid works, right?” He asked, pulling an arrow out of his quiver and shooting a sophomore girl running for the river in the center of her back. “Apparently you just shoot people and they fall head over heels, both methaphorically and, as we’ve come to find, literally. We’re just spreading the love, that’s all.”


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Even the staff at MSU is feeling the warmth. Nurse Betsy reported that students are flooding into her office from dawn until dusk.


“No college student comes into Olin for checkups anymore, and I haven’t seen another human face in months,” she said with a smile as she pulled a pink, glitter-coated arrow out of a freshman boy’s leg. “This is the kind of stuff that made me want to be a nurse, so you can tell those archers of love to keep up the good work.”


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