In a press conference given this past weekend, Breslin Center Director Jeffrey Johnson announced the construction of a new, subterranean viewing level within the Breslin Center – The Underground Bowl.
“We are offering the students at MSU a chance to experience the game of basketball like no one has before,” proudly remarked Johnson. “We hope this new expansion will bring out the highest quality of viewership possible for our basketball fans.”
Further plans were announced throughout the conference, such as the installation of reclining seats and chiropractic health plans for those suffering from perpetually strained necks. Much of the student body has voiced their concern about potential rodent and insect intruders, so Breslin will also implement a pest protocol to control such infestations. The Minnesota Gophers’ basketball team, however, has stated their appreciation for MSU’s accommodation to their habitual practices.
Johnson also detailed the concert opportunities for the Underground Bowl, “Never before could we have underground acts like Sonic Youth and Pharoahe Monch perform here at the Breslin Center. Now, with the Underground Bowl, we can accommodate their failure to reach the mainstream.” There was a collective groan from the press after this remark. “Even Flo Rida can’t get this low, am I right?” Johnson added. There was another collective groan.
Although the men’s and women’s basketball teams were not in attendance at the conference, men’s basketball guard Matt McQuaid voiced his apprehension for the stadium’s addition, “So, like, can people look up my shorts, or…?”
Women’s basketball forward Mardrekia Cook also had reservations about the new plan, “How the hell are people gonna see through the floor?”
Despite these concerns, Johnson seems immune to the criticism towards the Underground Bowl.
“I understand the public’s concern, but really guys, this is gonna be so cool.” We shall see, Jeffrey, we shall see.
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