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Broad Art Museum Installations Less Terrifying than that Twig Girl Outside

The Broad Art Museum may look like a spaceship on the outside, but on the inside, it more closely resembles the vacuum of space – mostly empty and devoid of meaning. For an art museum, the Broad tends to not have much art in it that’s worth seeing. Here are some ideas for art installations that would actually make us want to go look around the museum after picking up our Starbucks Blonde Roast.

7.) Death by Bed: An Interactive Experience:
Featuring work by acclaimed Swedish art collective IKEA and shining a spotlight on lesser-known Michigan-based artist Art Van, this interactive exhibit is meant to change the way college students experience sleep and how they even think about bedtime. With large feather beds highlighted next to an old, decrepit 1970s sofa, visitors are encouraged to test out these beds for themselves for as long or short as they choose. Just be careful if you choose to try the bed-of-nails piece, “Tetanus Reexamined”!

6.) Ghosts of Spartans Past:
This innovative installation intends to isolate visitors in a world where every notable Spartan alum is staring them down with lifeless eyes. Entirely focused in a closed-off portion of the upper floor, wax sculptures of Magic Johnson, Draymond Green, Sam Raimi, James Caan, and more will surround you and engulf you in an indescribable feeling of dread. Dressed in all-black funeral-ready garb, these wax sculptures were designed by Marie Tussaud protégé Dolly Sansvie and are ready to pierce your soul and drape your body in all-encompassing sorrow. Perfect for seniors about to graduate!

5.) Bread:
This is just piles and piles of bread. Visitors are encouraged to smell the bread, touch the bread, and yes, even eat the bread. Bring spreads for the bread if you choose. This installation was sponsored by Oprah Winfrey.

4.) Missed Opportunities:
This installation features video exhibits from each and every one of your college professors. That’s right—your specific college professors! This award-winning masterpiece achieves this using augmented reality headsets, tailored to the college experience of each visitor. Guests will be treated to every single lecture their college professors ever gave throughout their four-plus years at MSU. A whole educational experience in one art exhibit? We can’t believe it either! And the best part is, the experience can’t be stopped; once it starts, you’re locked in until the very end! This groundbreaking work was designed by Satan, just for MSU students — and let’s be honest, we deserve every minute of it.

3.) Engler’s Eagles:
Interim President John Engler sponsored this piece in an attempt to connect with MSU students, and boy, is it working! Magnificent sky-beasts circle the Broad, cawing mercilessly and shitting on anything that does or does not move. With everything from golden eagles to bald eagles, and even one slightly-out-of-place eagle owl, it certainly looks like President Engler will do whatever it takes to win over the hearts and minds of students!

2.) Michigan State First Annual Interdisciplinary Career Fair:
A collaborative effort put together by the Deans of every MSU college, this vast and extensive exhibit features a perfect imitation of a real-life job fair. Visitors to the museum are encouraged to dress formally, bring resumes to hand out, and meet with employers. The “employers” showcased come from an array of disciplines: finance, engineering, government, graduate and professional schools, hospitals, sports teams- you name it, it’s there! And just to really drive home the realism, none of the people you talk to will ever contact you again. Incredible!

1.) Just some goddamn normal paintings for a change:
They don’t even have to be good. Or old. Just give MSU students a chance to walk around and look at a collection of fucking paintings for a change. Portraits, landscapes, surreal, avant-garde, who cares? At this point, the MSU student body would take paintings done by a toddler over a video of a bull getting its fucking head cut off. Just paintings. Please.

Next time you want to see an avant-garde performance piece, just head over to the Broad – for now, that’s all we get.

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