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Case Hall Sparty’s Now Playing Gettysburg Address on Loop


For many presidential terms, Case Hall has been a home where students can limitlessly Command Strip the documents of our forefathers upon paint-chipped dorm walls and (without judgement) recite the soothing sound that is the presidential order in their sleep. Only the aspiring presidents survive, and Sparty’s has found a way to bring both an inviting and– dare we say it– thrilling atmosphere to the future Frank Underwoods of MSU.


That’s right, our very own Sparty’s that feeds the brains of the power hungry has made the deliberate choice of playing the words of Honest Abe’s Gettysburg Address on loop. It all started when James Madison student and Sparty’s employee Kimberly Eaton plugged her phone into the aux cord, causing the speakers to start playing the last track open on her Spotify.


“I was a little embarrassed, I meant to turn on Christina Aguilera,” Kimberly admitted. “But when ‘Four score and seven years ago’ filled the room, everyone gasped. Even some passersby entered the store, and they all just kinda stood there nodding their heads.”


Kimberly explained that as the speech continued, students escalated from calmly tapping their feet to impassioned fist pumps, quickly growing into equal opportunity crowd surfs and Treaty of Versailles-appreciative head spins.


“I always thought there was something twerk worthy about that speech,” Kimberly added, smiling.


Ever since Kim’s little mishap, crowds have been piling in from all corners of the Case dorm to hear Abe’s hype-filled words. Oftentimes, full dance battles break out, which can range anywhere from popping tournaments to stepping competitions.


“It’s a reflection of the Battle of Gettysburg,” one onlooker explained. “Except better.”


However, not everyone is thrilled by this new trend sweeping the nation that is James Madison. More than one manager has complained that this “wingding” is making it more than difficult to complete even a single transaction. With students being asked to present their Spartan ID for a combo, and then to just wobble away when the cashier attempts to grab it, is not only frustrating, it’s distasteful.


“Maybe if they were doing the jitterbug. Then I could appreciate it.” Fifty-year-old manager Gladice Gilwin stated. “I don’t get kids.”


Despite the haters, this epidemic is blowing up like wildfire. Even that one kid who always somehow ties the Treaty of Guadalupe Hidalgo into any class discussion, and probably hasn’t smiled once in his life, seemed to be enjoying himself. He was found pulling out the timeless macarena near the candy bars, and, to our surprise, not furrowing his brow quite nearly as much.


After feeling that we had gotten all the information needed for our story, we decided to duck out only to be stopped by fellow James Madison sophomore Nick Walsh, who was hitting the whip down the aisle of Combo C.


“Hey! Look, I’m hitting the whip, kinda like the current House Majority Whip Steve Scalise, who also in fact whips this country into shape through his great power and intelligent use of—“


Nick continued his passionate yet extremely uninteresting comparison while the mighty words of Honest Abe blared on, and, thanks to Nick’s concern for anyone but himself, we were able to slowly and undetectably nae nae away.

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