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MSU Hoverboard Gang to Oppose Campus Ban


On Friday, March 18 , MSU announced its decision to join numerous college campuses in banning “hands-free scooters,” otherwise known as hoverboards, from campus grounds. These self-balancing Segways have proved to be a hazard, spontaneously catching fire and combusting while in use, forcing officials to rid them from campus for the safety of its students.


Not every hoverboard owner took this ban lightly, Matt Lebowski is an MSU senior, and is president of the MSU Hoverboard Gang. Matt told The Black Sheep what made him choose to start this rebellious organization.


“When I got that email saying I couldn’t ride this baby to class, I mourned for like, three hours,” Matt recalled. “It’s the only thing that motivates me to go to my 8 a.m., and if I can’t ride my board, I might as well drop out and get a shitty job, like becoming a carnie, or a U of M student,” he cringed. “Then I said to myself, ‘You gave up a month of going to Rick’s to pay for this, you really gonna give up that easy?’ That’s when I decided I was gonna be the man who was gonna help other kids stick it to the Man.”


Fellow member of the MSU Hoverboard Gang, Jack Zielinski, explained what motivated him to openly defy the hoverboard ban.


“These boards are real panty-droppers,” Jack explained. “One second the girls wanna be ‘just friends,’ but then they see you cruising around on your hoverboard and they’re blowing up your phone all night. One girl even asked me to meet her parents,” Jack frowned. “I didn’t ride my hoverboard for a few days after that.”


MSU faculty are required to report any presence of a hoverboard on campus. Matt explained his best tactics for side-stepping the Man.


“Rule number one: never bring it into class. If you bring it into class, the prof’s got this like sixth sense for knowing you rode it on campus,” Matt informed us. “I don’t know, they just do. Rule number two: you can’t let anyone see it while you’re riding it. That’s why I invested in this little number.”


Matt revealed a full-length trench coat from his Tapout backpack.


“This way people think you’re just walking really fast. I crouch down a bit so I don’t look like a giant. It’s totally legit.” Matt smiled.


“I don’t know who that guy thinks he’s kidding,” MSU Junior Jenna Ray remarked. “He looks like a ghost trying to sneak up on someone so he can flash them.”


As stealthily as the MSU Hoverboard Gang proves to be, they haven’t been so successful in other areas.


“We’re losing members by the day,” Jack Zielinski reported. “One second you’re hunched over in a trench coat hoverboarding next to your buddy, the next you see he’s running towards the Red Cedar, completely engulfed in flames,” Jack shook his head. “It’s a small price to pay for looking like a total stud.”


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