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Con-Con List: Staying at Home for the Summer v. Working at AOP

 

There are a lot of options for summer jobs, but if you aren’t leaving the country for a study abroad or a sweet-ass internship, you’ve only got two real options: work AOP and live on campus, or live at home and avoid all people. We at The Black Sheep have a lot of reasons why you shouldn’t do either.

 

AOP:
Working at AOP, you have to deal with people – specifically incoming freshmen, who still kind of think they’re cool. And you’d have to spend five hours a day with them, including Fridays. Yuck. At least at home you don’t have to see people.

 

Home:
Being home means being under the supervision of your parents, with your pets as spies that silently work for them. That’s something no one wants, especially when you’re just trying to stick a fork in the toaster to get your Eggo waffle out without listening to how that will “kill” you and how you were “raised you better than that” and even “the dog is smarter.” At least you don’t poop on the ground! If you work AOP, you won’t have to listen to your parents’ endless rants.

 

AOP:
During AOP, you have to be an “excellent team player”, and you haven’t been excellent at anything your whole life, especially when it comes to working as a team. Considering other requirements include maturity, enthusiasm, and stamina, it seems like this job is probably not the best fit for you.

 

Home:
At home, you have to pretend to be the perfect, angelic child your parents think that they shot out of the uterus, when in reality, you sold your fifth of Burnett’s to an EL hobo for a slab of roadkill two weeks prior to moving back home. At least at AOP everyone you work with knows you’re a shitty human being outside of working hours (and probably during).

 

AOP:
“Orientation Assistants” spend a good portion of their day leading tours in the sweltering heat around campus. You will sweat, you will cry, and you may even bleed. Your parents’ basement at least has air conditioning.

 

Home:
You’ll have to get a job, meaning you’ll have some shitty minimum wage gig like spreading questionably thick mayo on a Jimmy John’s sub and playing by the rules of a round, bald man in a visor. At least at AOP you can be the one to order a Jimmy John’s sub instead of sweating profusely in the delivery car as you attempt to be “freaky fast”.

 

AOP:
Your coworkers will probably actually love the university. While you wallow in the deepest pit of self-loathing and pound your fourth coffee of the day, fantasizing about what it would feel like to choke on a chainsaw, they’ll probably tear up a little while teaching some bright-eyed freshman “MSU Shadows”. At home, you wouldn’t have to see these glorified tour guides everyday.

 

Home:
If you go home, you might run into all of your high school acquaintances, which is downright disgusting. It’ll get even worse when you see they’re still wearing their old bowling team varsity jackets and have their dead prom corsages in their pockets. It’s best to stay as far away from your hometown as possible so you don’t run into kids trying to remind you of your “glory” days, and more importantly, your ninth grade emo phase.

 

The Black Sheep wishes you the best of luck this summer, and hopes that you make the right decision, even if both options fucking suck.

 

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