In the middle of the day on Monday, MSU’s online learning service, D2L, started having technical errors, causing classes to get cancelled and causing a multitude of problems across campus, especially those with Monday deadlines.
“My roommate was just sitting on the futon, writing his research paper for his 3 p.m., and out of nowhere, he grabbed his baseball bat and a Halloween mask and left!” distraught freshman Tommy Hillson tells us.
With the sun shining and no D2L to keep these hooligans in line, all social norms were deserted. Several witnesses recall seeing an ever-growing mass of students with furrowed brows, foaming mouths, and off-brand V for Vendetta masks, prepared to wreak havoc among the greater East Lansing area.
“They came out of nowhere, and they were all so angsty, like scene kids when Hot Topic has their BOGO sale. They forced me to give them copies of every room key,” a Wilson Hall service desk employee recounts.
Even students that were not on campus or doing homework at the time were affected by the tragedy.
“I was in the middle of a nap, having this great dream about my TA, and then in the middle of it, I felt a sensation I haven’t felt since my Boy Scout trip in 4th grade,” Ray Chavez confides in The Black Sheep. “I woke up to my hand being forced in a bucket of warm water by someone wearing a clown mask.”
Ray’s newly-yellowed sheets were not the only victims of this solemn day. Numerous atrocities were found scattered among MSU’s campus, all signs of assignment-deprived delinquents. In Holmes, the Spartans Will elevator has been switched to “Spartans Won’t” in surprisingly articulate calligraphy. Worse yet, the Paul Bunyan trophy was reported missing on the scene. However, it was later found on the fourth floor of the library by literally the only person who has been up there all semester.
It is said that three honest and soft-spoken words ceased the madness which ensued just after noon.
“It’s back up.”
Dreams of academic perfection may have been lost that day, but they will always live through the memories of the East Lansing Purge.
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