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Dantonio Gets Catcalled on Grand River, Told ‘He’d Be Prettier If He Smiled’


Late after this Saturday’s winning football game, a gaggle of frat boys spotted their favorite campus slam piece, Mark Dantonio, on Grand River. The harassment began shortly after this sighting rendered the pack of walking Vineyard Vines advertisements rock hard in their fall Sperry’s.

“Dantonio, you’d be prettier if you smiled!” one assailant reportedly taunted, while another asked him where he was headed that night.

“Damn Dantonio, whatever’s under that sensible jacket must be finnnnneee,” another harasser chimed in, before asking Dantonio if he would take it off real slow for him.

The harassment did not stop there; in fact, many of the taunts got progressively worse.

“Daddy-tonio, let me be your tight end,” yet another aggressor called, adding that he hates to see him leave, but loves to watch him go.

“It’s disgusting,” Mark Dantonio told The Black Sheep, wiping single, ethereal tear from his undeniably beautiful blue-green eyes. “I don’t exist for them to look at. Why would I smile for them? I smile for me, and for bowl games. I don’t want to be told to ‘walk slower’ or ‘bend over.’ How is it no one ever catcalls me to tell me what a great coach I am? I’m not just some hot cake for these sickos to jerk off to after the game. I’m a person.”

Dantonio sighed, looking out a nearby window.

“I just hope that by sharing my harrowing story, we can curb catcalling on Michigan State’s campus,” Dantonio told The Black Sheep before Ubering home, as not to risk further harassment on the streets of East Lansing.

When asked to comment, the frat boys involved claimed that they honestly just thought Dantonio cracking a smile might be good for the team’s morale, and that a strip tease would be good for everyone’s morale.



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