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Engler Keeps Half-Assed Flood Barrier Because it ‘Puts the Red Cedar in its Place’

We are fast approaching the two-month anniversary of MSU’s very own flood barrier. Since its construction in February, it has quickly become a symbol of safety and dryness in the heart of all Spartans due to the protection it provides us against the horrors of the Red Cedar River.

In a recent statement, Interim President John Engler said the following about the flood barriers.

“The flooding in February was out of control, but we need to stay vigilant. The Red Cedar is always watching, and if we take the barriers down now, it’ll cease the moment and strike.”

When pressed by a non-believer on if he understands that is not at all how nature works, he responded snidely.

“It took time and money to build those barriers, so we should get our money’s worth. Besides, if it puts the Red Cedar in its place now, maybe it’ll think twice before it floods next year.”

Aaron Doyle, a sophomore Spanish major, is an outspoken supporter of Engler’s decision.

“I guess it’s as nice as a mess of tarps can look, but it puts a clear buffer zone between me and the geese.” Doyle told us. “I just wish the wall was a little higher and formed a circle around them. I think that would introduce the kind of order to campus needs.”

Taming campus’s foul isn’t the only value the flood barriers have; sophomore psych major Garrett Delnay is in favor of expanding them.

“I really miss playing baseball, and the fields disappear into a lake every year. The water polo players seem to love it though, and they just look so smug. I just wish they finished building them down to the fields, then we’d be able to have our spring training for sure. I’d help fund it myself if it’d wipe that smug look off their face.”

While President Engler was happy to accept Delnay’s offer, unfortunately, “Red Cedar Madness” has crept its way into some ungrateful opponents, such as art freshman Haley Gibson.

“The only thing these barriers are protecting anyone from is an easy way to navigate the sidewalks,” she appallingly told us. “Are they even finished? It’s like they got halfway through building a fence, and decided to drape a tarp on it so they could get to their lunch break.”

The barriers protect us from an amazing amount of dangers on campus, and is a welcome addition to Michigan State! Thank you President Engler for the renewed sense of safety at MSU. We eagerly await the return of the barriers next year.

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