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Excuses Your scUM-Loving Uncle Made After the Game


Remember how Uncle Bob harassed you the entirety of last week about how Michigan State could never win this matchup? Y’know, he saved up for that “Suck MFU” t-shirt to follow you around during game day cackling like Nelson Muntz? He seems a bit distraught now, don’t ya think? And as you boast about MSU’s tremendous upset, we won’t forget Uncle Bob’s lament and the aggressive amount of ridiculous excuses he made for his “historically better” team.


9.) “We started our backup quarterback! Our actual QB has some tendon problem or somethin’ like that!”
Oh, we had Connor Cook take the bench during the Ohio State game and still pulled off the win! And he wasn’t even injured!


8.) “The team was disappointed because McDonald’s was all out of 1998 McDonald’s Mulan Szechuan Sauce!”
So according to Uncle Bob, the Wolverines live in some bizarre alternate dimension where people are obsessed with a limited release sauce from Mickey D’s, and it just so happened to be making a comeback on the day of the game alone because of some adult cartoon, so they were late to warm up. Idiot.


7.) “The ball was wet!”
And the ball was free! We dealt with the same one. Maybe you should have kept Butterfingers McGee on the sidelines instead of letting him flop twice on the same play, Harbaugh.


6.) “The turnovers were tactical!”
With no other way to retort, Uncle Bob created a theory in which Harbaugh tried to make the MSU offense feel cocky and confident by giving them the ball so often. With them behind the wheel, they’ll stall out the clock and go in for the kill at the two minute warning! Almost as alarming as his theory that Alex Jones is actually going to be president by the year 2028.


5.) “Wal-Mart closes at Eleven!”
The team was starting to clock out by the end of the game and things began to look bleak for the U of M squad. Let’s just hope the opening manager doesn’t bust a nut over the mess they left last night.


4.) “That’s not even our quarterback!”
Nope…That’s the water boy, Uncle Bob!


3.) “We’re true humanitarians and we wanted to make you guys happy!”
A true act of kindness, the University of Michigan pitied their opponents for their three and one start to the season and decided, “Ayy! Let’s give throw these guys a bone! It may make us 3-7 against them in our past 10 encounters, but it’ll be a big boost of confidence for our compatriots!” …What kind gentlemen.


2.) “Katie’s dad got Boston Market for the Spartans the night before the game! We didn’t get that!”
This one has some actual merit! See, Michigan State was greeted with a catered meal by Boston Market the day before the big game. All that farm fresh rotisserie chicken really gave them the upper-hand, considering U of M hasn’t had a homestyle meal since they went to visit their mothers over the summer. How unfortunate.


1.) “The 10-foot dildo at the twenty kept making it difficult for O’Korn to receive the snap!”
There was plenty of trouble with the snap in this matchup, for sure, but we don’t believe the majority of that came from the fact that The Big House has a 10-foot dildo sensually glaring over at John O’Korn.


No matter what it was “we” had a problem with this week, it resorted in a loss for your beloved Wolverines, Bobby boy! Come visit once or twice this year and you can say hi to Paul Bunyan (we’re only kidding…we really don’t want our friends to meet you…).





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