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What the F*ck are Rare Isotope Beams?: An Investigation


While walking through campus, one building stands out among the rest: The Facility for Rare Isotope Beams. Situated on S. Shaw Lane, the $730 million-dollar facility has become a bragging point for tour guides (and possibly only tour guides). If you have no idea what a rare isotope beam is and what actually goes down at the facility, you are not alone. Luckily for you, The Black Sheep has initiated a full-fledged investigation into the 8th Wonder of the World. Basically, The Black Sheep Googled it so you didn’t have to. You’re welcome.



Upon scanning the first page, aka the only page that matters when doing internet searches, four of the seven links had mentions of Michigan State University, and thus established the fact that MSU does indeed have the Facility for Rare Isotope Beams (FRIB). Furthermore, it also states that Obama was preparing for a climate war and that MSU is a school full of “fuckers,” which will be researched later.




According to DetroitSparty, the facility is a place where rare isotope beams are studied and created for some reason relating to nuclear physics. Most of the articles on the first page consisted of the same information. Still, there was no mention of what a rare isotope actually fucking is. In the age of fake news, that’s alarming, because it leads to more questioning. What makes a rare isotope a rare isotope? Why is it rare? Since it doesn’t look like anyone actually knows what a rare isotope beam is or does, it is crucial to question the motive. That being said, it must be that something is being hidden.


What the facility is hiding is a mystery. Is it Lou Anna K. Simon’s secret llama fighting ring? Is Tupac hiding there? Could it be the living quarters of the Wells Hall Preachers? Is it where all the tuition money goes? The possibilities are endless.


In reality, it’s probably that no one really understands what a rare isotope beam is and because of that, they don’t really care. That’s why there’s no solid information on rare isotope beams on the first page of Google. However, that doesn’t mean it’s not great for MSU!


When justifying one’s choice of college, throwing in a couple of major bragging points into your argument is always important. Sure, U of M’s got this, Grand Valley has that, Harvard has whatever, blah blah blah. Although all Spartans know East Lansing to be the greatest place on Earth and MSU is without a doubt the best school anyone could ask for, not everyone is as easily convinced, so why not build something that seems really important and brag about it?


When reviewing the very thorough investigation, the conclusion reached was this: Michigan State is home to the Facility for Rare Isotope Beams and no one knows, or cares, what rare isotopes are except that they sound important. This has been an investigation by The Black Sheep



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