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Freshman Confuses Grand River with The Red Cedar, Still Hasn’t Satisfied Drunchies


Shortly after move-in this Sunday, area freshman Lauren Williams was found at the edge of the Red Cedar River. Sources report that Williams had been searching for Cottage Inn Pizza before going missing around 7:18 p.m.. It wasn’t until 9:30 a.m. the next morning that she was found wandering the banks of the Red Cedar, still trying to satisfy the Drunchies.


“I just needed some freaking pizza,” Lauren told The Black Sheep. “Who’s idea was it to name a street after a river anyhow? I was hungry when I left– do you have any idea how hungry I was by the time I realized I was in the wrong place? I started drinking the Red Cedar water like it was Sparty’s coffee. I even tried to hunt a squirrel.”


“Lauren was never a bright girl,” commented her father upon his daughter’s reappearance. “She’s very sweet, but we’re not really sure how she was accepted to MSU at all, and it only gets worse when she’s hungry. We were so excited for her, but we let her know it was okay if she couldn’t find her way to class, or read the syllabus.”


MSUPD reports that missing person cases due extreme hunger are on the rise.


“People get hungry, and they just stop thinking,” MSUPD told The Black Sheep. “They wander around for hours looking for food, and turn up in some weird places. We’ve had students turn up in the Union basement, curled up after hours outside Brody caf. Once, we even had a student stumble into that haunted ass Mary Mayo Hall, just cause it smelled a little like cool whip. We really just need people to understand the importance of this, and look out for their hungry friends– travel in groups, and make sure your friends are eating. Friends don’t let friends walk on an empty stomach.”


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