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Here’s Some Shit to Consider When Throwing Your First House Party in EL

You’re finally out of the dorms and you’re ready to throw your first big boy party over on the sexiest street in East Lansing, MILF-ord. You decide that since it’s not a frat party, nothing can go wrong; just a small circle of friends and a lot of booze, right? Wrong. Here are 7 things that could go wrong when throwing your first party.

7.) Someone steals your really cool plastic lizard that you shouldn’t have left out:
Fucking shit, man. Why would you think people would respect your stuff? Now you have one less plastic lizard and some lunatic is walking around Gunson stroking its scales. Next time, try to put all your belongings away.

6.) Someone eggs your living room:
You didn’t realize you invited the fucking Easter Bunny to your party. Looks like your traditional hangover omelet won’t be happening, considering QD’s finest groceries are plastered into your carpet. Guess you’ll be getting Bell’s for dinner every night this week.

5.) Guests have sex in your bed:
More importantly, they saw your Spider-Man sheets and now you’re all sorts of riled up. Lock your door next time because honey, it looks like Spider-Man isn’t the only one shooting out white stuff.

4.) People boo your well-thought-out Spotify party playlist:
You don’t know who some of these people are and you sure as hell don’t know why they didn’t appreciate you queueing “The Cha-Cha Slide” to play 4 times in a row, followed immediately by the Fight Song and then MSU Shadows. This is your house and your rules and you’re being mocked! Those peasants better sliiiiiiiide so far to the left they go out the door.

3.) Someone eats half of your couch and then throws the rest out the window:
Oh my god. And it was literally your own roommate? We guess you should’ve known throwing a party at your own house was a bad idea considering every time you go out with your roommates they keep a lighter in their pocket in high hopes there’s something to set aflame.

2.) Your boy-to-girl ratio, like, totally sucks:
Shit, it’s a goddamn sausage party. The air smells like beer and aggressive heterosexuality and you just overhead Chad say he pissed next to the toilet because he was angry it wasn’t a urinal.

1.) Your roommate goes into labor:
Damn, you thought Jenny took the plan B and now she’s literally giving birth in the middle of your living room while “Jordan Belfort” plays loudly on the speakers. Chad just pulled a Smirnoff Ice out of his jersey and is getting ready to Ice her newborn as you’re about to call ELPD to shut down the party.

Next time, maybe just go to the frat or take your fake to Rick’s – it’ll be easier.

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