An unidentified James Madison major was seen jaywalking at the intersection of Farm Lane and Auditorium Road early Wednesday morning, according to MSU police.
The fugitive was seen heading south towards Case Hall for his 10:20 a.m. “Radical Challenges to Liberal Democracy” class.
MSUPD apprehended the suspect after overhearing a student who matched the description debating the political hierarchy of East Asia in the 1600’s.
The Black Sheep was able to obtain a portion of the transcript from the three-hour interrogation:
Police Officer: “Why didn’t you wait like all the other people? The walking guy was about to come on.”
Suspect: “The idea of having to wait to cross a slab of asphalt has recently been constructed through social practice caused by America’s rampant industrialization.”
Police Officer: “Save me your bullshit analysis, what does that have to do with the traffic accident you almost caused?”
Suspect: “You mean the cars which belong to the automobile industry that preys on the capitalistic whims of American consumerism?”
Police Officer: “Alright, I’ve heard enough. We’re going to have to book you.”
Suspect: “Why, so I can join the draconian for-profit prison system plaguing this country, which exists just to appease the special interests that control every facet of this decaying nation?”
[inaudible audio, police officer leaves room]
The suspect was given a $50 bail; however, an argument broke out with another inmate over whether money is really just an advanced barter system or not.
The suspect has chosen to stay in jail until he finishes every argument he has started. He will be arraigned next week in front of a judge, or otherwise known as “a pawn for the corrupt criminal justice system.”
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