In a recent press conference at a Walmart near Ann Arbor concerning this week’s upcoming MSU vs. U of M rivalry game, Jim Harbaugh has denied ever getting vaccinated against mumps. This statement came entirely unprompted in the middle of a question regarding U of M’s classy approach to football.
“People who get vaccinated against mumps are skittish and cowardly. I’m not sure what MMR stands for, but if I had to guess, I’d say ‘makes Michigan Rubbish,” Harbaugh claimed.
“Personally, the only immunization record I have is against losing,” stated Harbaugh, completely ignoring his team’s track record against MSU in the past ten years. “My team’s been preparing for this game by sharing the same toothbrush every morning. Mumps only makes my team stronger.”
Most of the crowd nodded in agreement, while the rest in the back stirred uncomfortably behind all of the store’s protein bars that contain soy. Harbaugh requested any soy-related foods be removed from the area he was speaking due to fear of them.
To show he’s just like the rest of audience in attendance, Harbaugh proceeded to buy and drink liquid egg whites from a carton, but not before he refused to handle the cashier’s receipt paper because it will “likely give [him] cancer.” He proceeded to dump it on the floor when he read the word “pasteurized” on the carton.
The Black Sheep reached out to an audience member in the back for comment, but just resorted to self-righteously coughing on our MSU shirts after saying “little brother” several times.
Listen to Talk of Shame, a podcast about being young & dumb. Hosted by 2 drunk girls from The Black Sheep corporate, Mackenzie Harding & Andrea Jablonski. One can’t find her tampon, the other one’s laundry is probably on fire.