After MSU President Lou Anna K. Simon’s highly anticipated resignation that occurred tonight, officials are rushing to find a replacement. However, some are wondering what led to her sudden departure, because she clearly has no conscience. Those questions were put to rest when, in a shocking move, Satan rose from Hell to express his lack of support for Simon.
“I was prepared to give her a maximum contract extension of eternal reign over East Lansing and the surrounding areas; she was one of my favorite subjects,” said Lucifer, King of Hell in an exclusive interview with The Black Sheep. “At the end of the day though, she was just too problematic.”
Simon drew national ire after her callous response to victims of Larry Nassar and her lack of responsiveness to the situation from its beginning. After hanging on to this campus like a lingering case of mono (thanks to assistance from Satan), his withdrawal of support led to her quick departure.
“I still don’t understand what I did wrong,” said Simon while being consumed by flames and descending into the Underworld. “If anyone deserves a contract extension from Satan, it’s me!”
Satan, however, demanded a little more credit.
“Listen, I might be the lord of all darkness and evil, but being complicit and enabling a sexual predator is too low even for me. Hell might actually be too nice for her.”
Despite the shockwaves caused by Simon’s departure, Satan is apparently not done. As of press time, he has begun reviewing his files on members of the Board of Trustees.
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