In the wake of bombshell news about widespread corruption throughout top college basketball programs, NCAA investigators were desperate to interrogate star MSU forward Miles Bridges.
They’ll just have to catch him first.
Bridges was reportedly seen early Friday morning tearing down the campus floodwaters in a Scarab 195 Open, one of the many speedboats he is known to own. NCAA investigators were seen in hot pursuit, using rowboats they borrowed from the FBI.
“The NCAA has no comment on the current investigation, but would appreciate if anyone could allow our investigative team to borrow some rain jackets,” said NCAA spokeswomen Annie Doubleday. “This rain really just won’t quit.”
Mr. Bridges gained another boon from the floodwaters when they prevented investigators from accessing several of his homes throughout the Lansing area, with closed roads causing massive migraines for the determined defenders of amateur sports.
The investigators had hoped to find some clues to the extent of the improper benefits Miles Bridges received, but admitted that searching through all seventeen of his homes would take some time.
Other top programs, such as Duke, North Carolina, and Kentucky, were all complacent and cooperative with the investigation, according to Doubleday. “Michigan State just has that spunk, that fire,” she told The Black Sheep. “You guys really just don’t know when to quit.”
“I mean, really,” she added after a pause, “a speedboat?”
Details of some interrogations with other MSU basketball players were leaked earlier today, and they provide a picture of camaraderie and defense of their actively fleeing teammate.
“I was just at his house the other day, and I saw no evidence that he received any benefits or anything,” said senior point guard Tum Tum Nairn. “I mean, he has a PS4, a dozen flat screens, and an indoor pool with the actress who played Wendy Peffercorn in The Sandlot as a lifeguard, but so do the rest of us. Nothing weird or improper about that.”
“I stand fully behind my players, and will cooperate with this investigation as soon as I get a chance to speak to Miles first,” said head coach Tom Izzo.
At press time, Miles had crossed into Lake Michigan and was heading for his private island, where his flight crew was prepping his not-improperly-received helicopter for a quick trip to the Bahamas.
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