After a wild 21st birthday and getting drunk off two beers and a virgin pina colada, Wyatt Stark, agriculture major, somehow ended up with, as Wyatt recalls, “a hot piece of ass.”
“I probably just thought she was hot because we had some similar features, and I’ve got really good-looking features,” Stark told The Black Sheep, his receding hairline peeking out from under his cowboy hat. “I’m not saying I scored big, but like, let’s just say I plowed her fields with my tractor, if you know what I’m saying.” Unfortunately, we did know what he was saying. “She was almost as sexy as the dead deer I purposely swerved into with my truck the other day.”
Immediately after celebrating Thanksgiving back home in Almont, Stark reached out to The Black Sheep in what seemed to be desperation. He reported to us that he saw this so called “hot piece of ass” at his family’s Thanksgiving dinner.
“My dad and his brother haven’t spoken for the last 21 years.” Stark told us after stumbling out of his big, black pick-up truck. “They just recently reunited and I…I had no idea I had another cousin. When my Uncle Jim-Bob introduced me to her and I saw the way that her flannel was so perfectly tied in a knot above her belly button, just like it was the night of my 21st, I had to walk away.”
Stark pulled up his Wrangler jeans nervously and adjusted his baseball cap. After multiple moments of hesitation, he leaked his cousin/previous hookup’s name.
“Bailey Gibb. Ugh, just saying her name makes me want to shoot a duck and present it to her as a gift.” Stark smiled at the possibilities. “I had to confide in my Farmhouse brothers to figure out what to do. I mean, I think I’m in love but…she’s my cousin, you know?”
The Black Sheep decided to reach out to Gibb to get both sides of the story.
“I had my mouth full of half-alive turkey when I saw him come through the door on Thanksgiving,” Gibb tells us, playing with the belt buckle of her Miss Me jeans nervously. “It was hard to see him when we were hooking up. The lights were all off, the only thing that I could make out in the room being the Confederate flag hanging from his window. The moonlight was shining through, illuminating the flag. It was just as romantic as it sounds.” Gibb blushed.
The Black Sheep was disgusted, hoping that this scenario would never happen again, but you never know in Trump’s America.
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