As of February 20th, 2017, Michigan State University has officially banned whiteboards from adorning doors during the 2017-2018 school year, which is causing a monstrous uproar within bigoted communities and general residents here on campus.
“This decision was hard, but we really wanted to give students opportunities to be creative with their insults,” said Michigan State representative Lisa Wallace. “What with social media nowadays, bullying is easier than ever. Why not give them a challenge?”
The hate groups protesting the ban, which do not like to be categorized as hate groups but as civil rights groups, feel blatantly attacked.
“We feel blatantly attacked,” said an anonymous member of one such organization that goes solely by the name Chunk.
They are overwhelmed by the fact they will now have to change the methods by which they go around spewing hate speech – er, free speech. The Black Sheep, being the serious news outlet that we are, was given unprecedented access to an emergency meeting for the MSU Bigots, where they discussed what they see as a very real struggle.
“It’s a very real struggle,” Chunk informed us dryly. “Very, very real.”
In an unnamed location, which looked a hell of a lot like one of the famous MSU steam tunnels, a group gathered to discuss and lament the death of the whiteboard and the death of whiteboard abuse.
“I can’t believe we have to turn to alternative methods now… It was so easy. You could sometimes tell by the name on the door if you were supposed to be mean to the person! Now you actually have to look at them while you do it!” said a freshman, referred to under the pseudonym Lee Masterson for the purpose of this article.
Many of those in attendance shared Masterson’s sentiment and concern. Their shining vessel of hate had been destroyed, and they were disheartened.
“How are we going to be dicks now? A message in a bottle? A carrier pigeon? Graffiti? Verbal assaults on the CATA bus? How will people be assholes beyond a whiteboard?” Masterson lamented.
It’s a real conundrum, but hopefully the purpose behind banning the whiteboards will be accomplished and all acts of hate on campus will be eradicated without addressing the underlying problem.
WATCH: Being in Business School is actually really really hard you guys.