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MSU Fraternities Ranked Based on How Nasty We Think Their Bathrooms Are


The long awaited rankings are here. A simple stroll along any street in East Lansing will take you past a big ol’ house full of dudes. We could rank them based on anything, but we’re gonna go with the how dirty we think the bathrooms are.


18.) Phi Delta Theta:



This place looks like a golf course. Any place with a well-trimmed lawn is full of guys with well-trimmed pubes, but they’re sure as hell not doing it themselves in the house bathroom.


17.) Psi U:



It’s called the castle and the toilets are the thrones. So logic would say the bathrooms of this house would be as spick and span as a throne room.


16.) SAE:



These guys just got a brand new house, so there hasn’t been years of grime accumulating like many other houses, or even the old places SAE. These bathrooms might not be the cleanest, but you can feel comfortable sitting to pee.


14.) Pike:



These bathrooms definitely have potential to be pretty nasty, but with access to a fire truck they must get blasted with clean water every so often.


13.) Phi Kappa Psi:



The beauty of this house is that it’s not large enough to house too many folks. Less people means a much more manageable bathroom cleaning experience. There’s definitely some 9-year old vomit behind the toilet, but that’s not really your concern.


12.) SigEp:



Since this house is actually an old hotel, there must be loads of bathrooms. The cleanliness of these bathrooms would just be too diverse to accurately rank.


11.) Triangle:



These bathrooms start the year out wonderful and clean, but much like the engineers that use them, they start to crack over the semester and deplete from the inside out. It starts with a little spot on the mirror, but come May, you’re better off taking a shit in the Hungry Howie’s dumpster.


10.) AEPi:



It really depends on when you’re there. Walking by the house at certain times, you can tell there was undoubtedly a gathering the night before. But a few days later, someone has take then initiative to really make the place look respectable again. The bathrooms must have the same cycle.



9.) Pi Kapp:



Nestled on Linden St., it might look like a professor’s house but the smell of weed really makes you notice the letters above the door. The bathrooms have potential to be clean, but we’re gonna guess they’re probably not.


8.) Farmhouse:



Cleaner than you might think, but still pretty gross. The biggest mystery is deciphering if the shit on the floor came from a human or a cow.


7.) Fiji:



A very picturesque house, but the bathrooms have got to be nasty. You know there’s sand all over it and that shit is never gonna return to it’s rightful home in the front yard.


6.) TDX:



The letters look like they were stolen from other houses and just slapped on there, but it must be some artsy thing. Artsy people never keep things clean. Those bathrooms are definitely not clean, but not in a way that makes you gag, just the kind of gross that makes you want to tip toe while wearing shoes.


5.) TIE- PKS:



and Beta:



They’re just a little to close to the sewer that is the Red Cedar River for there to be a real chance that they’re not full of bacteria. Plus, rankings always need a tie to spice things up.


4.) AGR:



Like Farmhouse and Triangle combined, we can only assume these bathrooms just accumulate animal shit on top of the slowly crumbling foundation.


3.) Delta Chi:



Don’t be fooled by this house. It looks like it might be pretty nice, but then you really think about people hang out on the porch in the winter, and you gotta think the whole inside is just molding Natty.


2.) Theta Chi:



Confusingly placed next to Theta Delta Chi we just thought it deserves to be with Delta Chi because we can’t tell the difference at this point. The bathrooms are probably super gross, right?


1.) Sigma Nu:



Top ranking as the dirtiest bathrooms, maybe. Who knows, it’s all made up anyway. Congrats to Sigma Nu for potentially having the grossest bathrooms in EL!


That’s most of them! Please feel free to file an appeal if you feel that your bathroom is worthy of a higher rank on this list next year.



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