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MSU to Pay for Free CATA Rides by Melting Down Bronze Sparty to Sell as Scrap Metal

MSU proudly announced that they are to offer more combo-x-changes with meal plans and free CATA rides for students in the 2018-2019 school year. Unfortunately, these new policies come with a variety of drawbacks. In an attempt to pay for these new amenities, MSU has axed late-night dining and now require moped parking passes. The most recent of MSU’s announcements is a grand ceremony to celebrate melting down their bronze Sparty statue to sell as scrap metal to help pay for CATA rides.

That’s right, Spartans! Everyone’s favorite face in the student union has been promoted to a new role: a trumpet or something.

“I understand that this news might come as a horrific shock to some in our community at MSU. I want everyone to know Sparty has lived a full three years, and will live on as bearings, or possibly even a cruise ship’s propeller. Badass, right?” Said Eric White, a spokesperson for the project at the student union.

The small audience seemed to stir with White’s statement. He continued, “For anyone who needs closure, fret not. We plan to melt Sparty down in a public even right here in the union later next week. We can all watch as a community as our beloved Sparty leaves this material world, and becomes a pool of molten metal right before our very eyes.”

“For some, the wait for Sparty’s departure from our world will be a harrowing one, and it may come as a surprise to returning students in the fall. In the meantime, MSU’s administration continues to discuss ways completely avoid freezing tuition,” when pressed on the details, White replied, “We have been toying with the idea of erecting tents in Munn Field as an alternative to maintaining dorm rooms.”

In the wake of Sparty’s transformation into a puddle, it looks like Wolverine frat stars will have even less to vandalize during this year’s football season. Maybe they’ll paint a bridge or something.

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