Berkey Hall almost gained a permanent resident last Tuesday when junior, Renee Castro found herself stuck to her desk seat. As she walked to her women’s studies class in the 80-degree weather, Castro told us her sweat had been “pouring by the bucketful, like I looked like I just got off of Splash Mountain.”
“My calves were sweating,” said Castro, blotting her forehead even now. “I didn’t even know that part of my body had glands. Does sweat come out of glands or pores? Don’t look at me like that, I’m a comm major.”
As she sat down in the air conditioning-free classroom, Castro said she was blissfully unaware of her fate that day in “the unavoidable hellfire of Berkey Hall.”
“All the windows were open, and my prof turned off the fan because he didn’t think we could hear him, and also because he’s a massive shart stain,” Castro told us, high-fiving herself for the original insult. “I was trying to focus more on the lecture and less on the crippling aroma of body odor, so I didn’t notice anything wrong until I tried to get up to leave.”
Castro said that as she tried to stand, she noticed her butt and thighs were molded to the seat of her chair.
“I was wearing jean shorts that day, no big deal,” said Castro. “I didn’t notice how short they were until the chair and I turned into some sort of Human Centipede knock-off. My professor and the two kids next to me tried to pry me off, but it was no good.“
Doctor Ally Wang at Olin Health Center explained to us that the incident most likely occurred when Castro’s thigh/butt sweat began to boil underneath her as she sat on the plastic chair. This melted the plastic enough to stick her to it, and as she cooled down over the course of the hour-long class, the plastic hardened again, sealing her to the offending seat.
“I’ve never seen an incident like this before,” said Wang. “Then again, we’ve dropped a lot of assets in the department that specializes in researching this sort of thing. We’re feeling a little behind.”
The class quickly learned they’d need professional help to release Castro from her sweat-induced prison.
“I called the fire department, because this was a heat-related issue and that’s their expertise, obviously, because fire is hot,” said Joel Espern, Castro’s classmate. “They came in with the Jaws of Life and ripped her ass out of that desk. Granted, she left most of her ass in it.”
Castro was taken to Sparrow Hospital, where she was treated for severe second-degree burns on her bottom.
“I can’t sit for three weeks,” Castro said, turning to show us her gauze-wrapped behind. “Which is three weeks of peeing standing up like a goddamn barbarian.”
The desk chair has since been removed, and empty promises of finally installing air-conditioning to Berkey Hall and other older buildings at MSU have been made as a result of Castro’s tragic incident.
The school issued this statement: “We here at Michigan State University are aware of the incident in Berkey Hall and formally apologize to the student and her family. We urge students to be aware of their butts in this heat and have implemented a Hot Behind Hotline for future incidents. We take rear-related injuries very seriously on this campus and ensure the situation will be handled to the best of our ability.”
Ready to put her injury behind her, Castro has decided to drop any classes without air conditioning in the classroom.
“I’m just happy it happened to me and not anyone else who couldn’t handle it,” sighed Castro, pulling on a pair of long pants despite the heat. “I always knew that class was going to rip me a new asshole, I just figured it wouldn’t be quite so literal.”
Since when do college apartments have rooftop pools?