Horror and chaos rang though Erickson Hall’s IAH lecture when sophomore Kevin Pinker made his way to the front of the classroom with a gnawed on, saliva drenched, utterly unsalvageable scantron.
“You wouldn’t believe the state of that thing,” a classmate of Pinker’s, Stacy Lorenzo, told The Black Sheep. “By the time Kevin made it up to the front of the lecture to explain what had happened, he had eaten not only the majority of his scantron, but the front few pages of the exam.”
“I’ve always been a nervous eater,” Pinker confessed. “I used to eat whole pizzas before soccer games. Before the school play in high school, I chewed up most of my costume. Once, as a kid, I ate my entire book report before presenting it. It was a disaster.”
According to MSUPD, there has been an uptick in exam-related eatings this year. In the past years, only five or six consumptions of exams had been reported a semester. This semester alone, four have already been reported; Pinker is responsible for three of these.
“The worst part isn’t shitting out bits of multiple choice,” Pinker told The Black Sheep. “The worst part is trying to explain to your professor that you literally could not help but eat their exam. They always just stare at me sort of slack-jawed. Meanwhile, I’ve got bits of paper stuck in my teeth, and I’m already thinking about eating my number two pencil while the entire class takes a break from their exam to listen to me explain my predicament.”
When asked for comment, the Olin Health Center assured The Black Sheep that nervous consumption of exams is not contagious, and there are no known health problems related to eating exams or scantrons.