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Oh Great: Bird Scooters Just The Latest Threat To Pedestrians

With the recent addition of Bird Scooters to Michigan State’s campus, foot-travelers have been bumped down yet another rung on the ladder of sidewalk privileges. While bicyclists and skateboarders have always vied pedestrians for sidewalk space, these smaller, motorized vehicles, have jeopardized the safety of the ankles of all those who are still walking.

“It’s bad enough when someone drives their moped up on the sidewalk and throws me into a bush, but now I have to dodge all these freshmen zoomin’ around on electric scooters?!” complained junior, Shayla Meeks. “What is this the 90s?”

Harrison Smith from Beta Chi also disproves of the new Bird Scooters, but not quite for the same reason. “They’re steppin’ all over our ground, man. Like, who do they even know here? We mopeders gotta stick together or these jacked-up Razor scooters are gonna force us out.”

While there are literally thousands of pedestrians in danger of walking on the only path available to them, the ELPD has decided to take the only approach they know when it comes to student safety.

“Oh yeah, we’re really cracking down on those Birdie Bikes,” affirmed Officer Brent Haley. “Issued out five parking tickets myself, yesterday. Saw one kid get hit though, I laughed for a good 10 minutes before I told the other kid to fuck off.”

The athletic department has issued complaints about Bird Scooters infringing on what they also call, “their sidewalks.”

“I’m dropping my homie, Brian, off at Wells, right? So, I’m just cruising in the team golf cart and all these freakin’ kids are in my way,” voiced a concerned kinesiology major. “Where the heck am I supposed to drive this four-wheeled vehicle if not the sidewalk?”

Foot-traveler, Kylie Jones added, “Honestly, if someone is going to run me over, please just do it already.”

Despite all the complaints, Bird Scooters’ rise in popularity have more and more students fork over a dollar and change to zip on over to class every day. Unfortunately, the latest virus to MSU’s walking culture is here to stay.

Listen to Talk of Shame, a podcast about being young & dumb. Hosted by 2 drunk girls from The Black Sheep corporate, Mackenzie Harding & Andrea Jablonski. One can’t find her tampon, the other one’s laundry is probably on fire.

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