In light of recent congressional adjustments to the Affordable Care Act, Michigan State University president Lou Anna K. Simon recently proposed an updated version of the student healthcare plan.
Currently, students get 3 visits per a year to the Olin Health Center. Under LouAnnaCare, students will be allotted one visit a year because, according to President Simon “You shouldn’t be getting sick that often anyway.”
Also under LouAnnaCare, student visits will no longer count as free visits if the student has a preexisting condition. Preexisting conditions as defined by Olin Health Center include, but are not limited to, having asthma, not being a hand washer, and being sexually active.
“STDs are one of the biggest problems we deal with here at Olin,” an Olin Representative told The Black Sheep. “Students will come in with a runny nose and sore throat and ask for cold medicine, but really, they have an STD. They’ll come in with puffy red eyes and swear it’s pink eye, but they’re wrong. That’s an STD, too. I once had a girl come in with a broken arm and say it was from falling off a bike. Wrong; that’s chlamydia. LouAnnaCare lists being sexual active as a preexisting condition, so we don’t have to deal with that bullshit anymore. Here, take a condom.”
President Simon’s honorary nephew and closest friend, Speaker of the House, Paul Ryan, peed himself a little when he found out about the new plan.
“As if I didn’t have enough to be excited about!” Speaker Ryan told The Black Sheep. “First I find out that millions of Americans will lose their healthcare, then I was told Auntie dearest will be stripping away healthcare from students. I would have jumped for joy if I had a spine!”
In President Simon’s next healthcare push, she plans to make having a vagina a preexisting condition in rape cases.
WATCH: Boofing is ruining your butthole: