St. Paddy’s Day is here, and some people are headed out with little to no experience under their belts. Here’s a list of things to make sure you accomplish before hitting the town on East Lansing’s favorite holiday.
Step 1- Eat Your Lucky Charms:
This is kindergarten stuff, but we still gotta cover it. Make sure you eat at least five bowls of that magically delicious cereal today, that way you can make sure that you’re Irish inside and out. This Kalamazoo-based cereal is authentic to the Irish culture (trust us, we asked a total of one person), so you can feel good knowing you’re celebrating this holiday right.
Step 2- Give Your Body a Pep Talk in the Mirror:
Your body’s going to be going through a lot in the next few days, so make sure it knows what kind of storm it’s got comin’. Once you get those green Jell-O shots in ya, there’s no telling what’s gonna happen, so it’s important that the rest of you is prepared.
Step 3- Dye All Your Clothes Green:
Some people have a signature outfit to wear out, but if you wanna do it right, you gotta have lots of options. Do yourself a favor and dye all your clothes green; you’ll be sure to have plenty to choose from for each of the St. Paddy’s Weekend parties you attend. Bonus: you’ll look extra Spartan-y!
Step 4- Inform Everyone that Gerard Butler is Not Actually Irish, but Scottish:
Now this is a big misconception, since he played such a convincing role as a young Irish lad in P.S. I Love You, but our Guinness-loving dream boy is actually Scottish. It’s important to know your facts before you throw something as trivial as a celebrity’s heritage around, so make sure everyone you know is informed so you don’t run into an awkward mishap.
Step 5- Put a Pot of Gold Outside Your House:
If a perfect rainbow just happens to end right on your front porch, and someone follows it only to find there’s nothing there, well, let’s just say your home sweet home may get a little roughhoused. Make sure to put out a pot of gold, that way everyone can enjoy the holiday as planned. Last year the rainbow ended on Stoddard – who will it be this year? Hagadorn? Milford? Bogue? We’ll have to wait and see.
Step 6- Say “Liam Neeson” at Least Three Times Per Sentence:
This man is a Hollywood icon, but it’s important we remember his Northern Ireland roots. He’s given countless awe inspiring performances, like Taken, Taken 2, and Taken 3, and it’s about time we tipped our cliché leprechaun hats to him. Here’s an example: “Dublin’s green beer is almost as good as Liam Neeson’s performance in The Phantom Menace, which was very Liam Neeson, and could only be captured by Liam Neeson.” See? Easy as shepherd’s pie.
Step 7- If You See a Four-Leaf Clover, Eat It:
You gotta digest that luck into your bones; it isn’t doing any good at your fingertips or in the hands of some plucky RCAH kid. Chow down!
Ready? Now go out and drink that green beer in Spartan style.
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