Every student has that age-old question sitting in the back of their mind: how would you do if you were to compete on Survivor? Luckily, you are completely defined by your major, so we have been gifted the ability to determine which of the majors would be sent home with the million dollars.
Voted off first: Environmental Studies and Sustainability
While constructing the shelter on the very first day, these guys take it upon themselves to inform the team of how they are ruining the ecosystem by cutting down trees. Oh, the horror! Don’t even get them started on how their teammate went fishing for dinner – the oceans are dying, man. Needless to say, they’re the last person you want to be stuck on a desert island with.
Second off: James Madison
Their inability to have a human conversation without bringing up how Bernie Sanders is their daddy makes them hard to live with. These guys don’t even have the chance to be voted off, though. Instead, they’re sent home kicking and screaming while claiming Jeff Probst forgot to ‘read them their rights’ prior to the group competition. Sorry pal, but the Fifth Amendment doesn’t apply in Nicaragua.
Third off: RCAH
After spending the first three weeks without wearing their bandana out of fear of being labeled, their teammates start to grow wary of where their loyalties actually lie. The only reason they stayed around this long was their ability to lead a life-changing meditation session.
3rd place: Communications
These guys can balance being a part of twelve different alliances and effectively maintain the reputation of being the most trustworthy member of camp. Their undoing is the fact that they’ve never had to do anything challenging in all of their college experience, so a game show where you constantly have to be thinking isn’t exactly their ideal place.
Runner up: Psychology
By analyzing all of their peers, they were able to turn their own insecurities against them and slowly weed out the weaker links. The only reason they didn’t win is because they were recruited by the runners of the show to be a post-show therapist for those traumatized by the extreme conditions they experienced.
By adopting a strategy of method acting, they were able to make it through the entirety of the show without being themselves for a single second. All it took was some in-depth studying of previous Survivor champions and then simply ‘acting’ like them for 39 days straight.
“The tribe has spoken.” It’s time to bring your metaphoric torch forward and accept your ranking in this completely hypothetical Survivor scenario.