Last week, scholars everywhere convened to execute a large-scale, nationwide census assessing how whining and finger pointing may influence a person’s scores on a given task. Calculated research had one person implement rational and intelligent strategies to achieve high scores, while a second person utilized only senseless approaches, such as blaming the system for any potential failures. The census yielded shocking results, proving that reason and logic don’t mean shit in 2016. After a week of thorough analysis, scientists at The Black Sheep have come up with proven tactics to help you get higher test scores.
Step 1- Let The Man Know You’re On to Him:
Oh, you don’t know The Man? He’s everywhere. In the White House, down the hall… Ms. Mullins, she’s The Man. In this case, however, The Man is your professor, and The Man is trying to use a broken system to make it look like you went to Rick’s instead of studying. March to the front of the class and let everyone know that you’ll respect the results of your exam… if you four point.
Step 2- Claim That You’re Doing Well and Prove It by Citing Vague and Imaginary Figures:
“I have the top grade in CEM 141, and there’s no denying it,” you’ll tell everyone you see, and since the world (specifically James Madison College) is a cruel place full of horrible people, they’ll deny it. When this happens, you’ll have to prove what you’re saying. “I know it. You know it. Everybody knows it,” you’ll tell them, and suddenly you’ll be met with massive applause. If the skeptics are still questioning you, feel free to find a graph on a sketchy website that shows how smart you are. If that’s too much work, there’s always Microsoft Word.
Step 3- Do a Bunch of Things That Are Morally Ambiguous and Socially Unacceptable:
Who would’ve thought that the stereotypical frat guy had it right the whole time? Turns out, being an asshole doesn’t immediately disqualify you for success. So if a kid raises his hand and gets a question wrong in class, immediately stand up and verbally berate him. Even if he gets it right, make sure everyone knows you think he’s a try-hard. If you start having even the slightest thoughts of compassion, throw up a giant wall around your mind and block out all that decency.
Step 4- Use Twitter to Spread Awareness of the Giant University-led Conspiracy Created to Bring You Down:
Just go nuts, buddy. If you Tweet it enough, everybody will believe it, and then that four point is yours. You won’t even have to sleep with your creepy old professor to get the grade you want.
Remember, it’s 2016. Things are happening this year that nobody could ever have imagined (Fly the W). So even if this advice seems strange, trust us. It’s worked before.
If you woke up this morning surrounded by ravaged Lunchable boxes, this is for you: