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Shit You’re Just Too Old For at MSU


When you hit senior (citizen) year, your bones begin to creak. In fact, they hand you a Life Alert at your first class of the year (if you even go). When it comes down to it, you just can’t participate in the tomfoolery your naïve freshman booty didn’t appreciate at the time, like:


8.) Actually dressing up for Rick’s:
Sure, you could buy a new romper from Meridian Mall that some stranger will undoubtedly spill a Phucket Bucket on, or you could throw on a t-shirt and leggings and let these boys know that what they see is what they get. The guys don’t care, you can score dick with just sweatpants and a sports bra.


7.) Walking into random house parties on Milford:
You used to have no friends old enough to live in houses, so you would just walk into whatever house had beer cans strewn across the yard, and hope no one noticed. Now that you’ve reach peak old person status, people expect you to have friends or a house. If you’re sneaking into parties you very obviously weren’t invited to, you’re branded a friendless loser.


6.) Trying to make friends:
On that note, your freshmen year, you couldn’t spit on the sidewalk without hitting someone who wanted to be your friend. The entire goddamn campus was dedicated to making sure you didn’t spend the year alone. Now, your desire to socialize dwindles by the year. By the time you hit your fourth year, you don’t have the energy to pretend you aren’t a stressed out, garbage harpy.



5.) Picking fights with scUM kids:
You aren’t as spry or fiery as you used to be! That’s why this past weekend at UM, instead of punching wolverines in the throat for saying you can’t read, you stole food from their parents’ tailgate instead. At this point, half your friends go to different schools and you can’t even remember why you hate U of M sometimes. Sure, there’s a football rivalry, but when it comes down to it, you’re a napper, not a fighter.


4.) Rallying after ‘Rama:
Look, your friends should be glad you even dragged your homework-backlogged ass out of bed for pitchers before noon. Now they want you to nap and bounce back for late night thirsty Thursday shenanigans? Absolutely not. You’re on a strict regimen of four square meals a day and at least eight hours of sleep if you can manage it. You lost them in the morning, so now you have to make them up tonight. Tell them to bugger off, you’ll be watching Big Mouth on Netflix instead.


3.) Walking Grand River Until 4 a.m.:
At one point in your life, you enjoyed the late night people-watching that Grand River provided. On any odd day, you could see anything from a foursome of drunkies shout-singing “Mr. Brightside” to a man in a speedo with a full Hot-N-Ready and no shoes. Now you’d rather see the backs of your eyelids any time after ten o’clock. Oh, is American Horror Story on tonight? Make that eleven o’clock.


2.) Being Drunk All Day For a Reason:
You don’t need a tailgate to get plastered off of Twisted Teas at 3 p.m. on a Saturday; that midterm you’ve been planning to fail for a month now is reason enough. Everybody knows a Twisted Tea is a sad way to go down, but your life is pretty sad at this point even without that fact.


1.) Frat Parties:
Alright, we’re pretty sure it doesn’t take until senior year to know you’re way too old for this shit. As soon as your Converse stick to a basement floor while three different guys named Chad all try
to bong beers to impress you, you’ll know it’s time to tap out. Sweaty men in muscle tees with American Flags plastered across the walls of their debauchery den will never fulfill you. Ever. Move on to bigger and better things, like giving up on your goals and ambitions early to accept a future of mediocrity. You’ll probably see those frat douches there.


Life sucks and then you die. We’re pretty sure that’s a quote by someone who means something. In college, however, life is great and then you realize you graduate next semester. Let the panic set in, maybe try the shit on this list one last time in search of a spark you lost years ago, and then realize your best years are behind you. Cheers to the glory days, as well as your impending senility.




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