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The State News Lures People by Disguising as Panda Express


In a desperate attempt to acquire staff writers, The State News made the decision to disguise their Grand River headquarters as a Panda Express. The student-funded tabloid has been looking for a way to gain more employees for months, and they officially decided they would do so by disguising their word shit with the actual shit one would consume at everyone’s favorite fast casual Asian restaurant.


East Lansing Residents were thrilled, as a new Panda Express would a huge upgrade from the boring drivel of The State News. But sadly, it’s just a trap to lure in employees, and probably readers too.


MSU sophomore Sean Vichinsky experienced this firsthand as he unwittingly approached the restaurant this Monday, expecting an Eastern experience that he would remember for years to come. Although Vichinsky was greeted with an Eastern experience he will be sure to remember, “it is not quite a fond one,” he said, “for it had a more unpaid-labor vibe and not a Szechuan chicken vibe.”


“I was just on my way to grab some scrumpdiddlyicious Asian cuisine,” Vichinsky explained in hushed tones, “Then, all of a sudden, I found myself in an orange chickenless, grey room with approximately twenty typewriters and a few other discombobulated students. There was confusion and panic all throughout the room and, as I took a rapid turn for the door, I discovered the room was locked from the outside. The next thing I knew, a man greeted me at the door, stating he could give me something better than food: job experience and the opportunity to look outside of a window twice a day.”


Vichinsky’s testimony was cut short as he saw “the boss man” coming back and could not risk being seen with a means of contact with the outside world. “The boss man,” however, denies the indication whatsoever. Jake Allen, editor-in-chief, stated his only personal connection with the restaurant is his love for its wonderful service, friendly atmosphere, and spectacular array of menu options including the highly-acclaimed Firecracker Chicken Breast.


“This is obviously some preposterous prank,” noted Allen, “We merely relocated! We are fairly staffed and would have no need to forcibly employ innocent Spartans by luring them into, if you ask me, the best restaurant to ever grace Grand River! Although I do highly recommend giving the restaurant a try, our main office has merely moved.”


Allen gave no comment in response to the notion that they currently do not have a main office.


Ever need a reason to skip class? Think again:



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