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Michigan State

Students Willing to Walk Twenty Minutes to Conrad’s, But Not to Class

 

Ever since the sun finally cast its beams over East Lansing, people have been putting their Heelys to the pavement and enjoying that sunshine. Now that Spartans don’t have to worry about stumbling into snowbanks, hundreds are now making the 2 a.m. journey to the Conrad’s down Grand River after the Abbot location waved its white flag. While hundreds of Spartans seem to be out and about, there seems to be one place everyone is repeatedly repelled from.

 

Current MSU student and chemistry T.A. Randall Phillips explained his findings on the situation.

 

“A lot of people have been skipping my recitation, and usually it’s ‘cause the roads are bad, or it’s below zero, I get it,” Phillips explained. “But after the weather started getting nice, I thought maybe I’d see a few more faces in class. When no one showed up last Tuesday, I decided to just head home. That’s when I saw it.”

 

Phillips, along with many others, have issued complaints of strange traffic on MSU’s borders.

 

“I got over to Hagadorn, and there’s students that walk up to MSU’s campus, then turn around like a boomerang,” Phillips recalled. “It’s like two opposing forces, like a negative and a negative, ya know, like a magnet. Magnets are so interesting, because what happens is their electrons—”

 

Unfortunately, we did not catch the rest of Phillips’s spiel, but we did get the chance to get a comment from local Conrad’s manager, Jimmy Wilkins.

 

“Business is booming, limme tell ya that!” Jimmy explained as he handed a customer a basket of mac ‘n’ cheese bites. “Usually we just get a rush around two, two-thirty a.m., but now that the weather is so nice, we get people coming in around lunch or dinner, sometimes breakfast! People are ordering D.W.B.’s in broad daylight. It’s like a picnic for college students. So beautiful.”

 

We got to speak with one customer in line at Conrad’s, Anna Johnson, to see how she feels about the contrasting spikes in Conrad’s and class attendance.

 

“What do you mean? Like the weather would make me want to go to class?” Anna asked. “I don’t think I understood the question, could you repeat it?”

 

While class attendance remains as low as ever, some professors are beginning to crack down.

 

“I used to have hope in my students. I thought they really were blocked in their houses all winter,” Professor Nitwick explained. “But after one of my students emailed me saying that he got whooping cough, and then I saw him eating a Buffalo Rider an hour later, well, let’s just say he won’t be getting an excused absence this time,” Professor Nitwick explained as he pulled out a Conrad’s wrap from his briefcase.

 

The votes are in: Conrad’s: one mil, class: zip. While students’ grades may be going down, it’s likely their cholesterol will as well after walking home after a nice, sunny, tater-tot filled day.

 

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