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10 Things You Can Afford After Turning Your Heat Off


The sun is out, the guns are out, and the heat in your home is off! You no longer have to sell your soul to Consumers Energy once a month to pay your heat bill, and you can finally afford the important things in life, like:


10.) An In-Ground Pool:
We’re sure your landlord won’t mind when a group of strapping, young men start digging a large hole in your yard, lining it with cement, and installing high pressure jets. It’d be perfect for a darty or just a hot summer day. Everything should be up and running just in time for finals! 


9.) Egyptian Cotton Sheets:
Only the finest quality of thread count is fit to line the new king size Tempurpedic mattress you bought. If you want to sleep in velvet, successfully seduce your TA, and be like Brittany Murphy in Uptown Girls. Egyptian cotton is the way to go.  


8.) A Juicy Tracksuit:
There’s nothing like slipping into the light pink velour that is a Juicy Couture jumpsuit. Not only will it make you feel like a boss-ass bitch, but it will let the world know you’re here and you’re ready to roll.   


7.) A Go-Kart:
If you’re trying to get from Berkey to Holden in a jiffy, a go-kart is just what you need to make the journey quick and loads of fun! Also, it’s good for drag racing, doing donuts on the back roads, and slamming into other go-karts.


6.) An Off-Campus Meal Plan:
Late Night, cookies, and combos, oh my! If the caf life was a lifestyle from your past, say freshman year, it may be time to revisit its bountiful crop. Think of all the food you had at the swipe of a card and all the dishes you didn’t have to wash as you sent your tray down a conveyor belt.  


5.) A Bidet:
Thanks to your squatty potty, you’ve been having the best poops of your life! Now, you just need a cool, refreshing cleanse after the deed’s done. Splurge on a bidet and enjoy the luxurious, European bathroom experience of water being sprayed up your butt.


4.) A French Bulldog Puppy:
One of the more elite of the bulldogs, the French bulldog is smaller, cuter, and just better. If you want a fuzzy, little ball of warmth to snuggle with when you get home from a long day of sleeping in class, then a French bulldog is for you.   


3.) A Cool Hammock Chair:
We know you’ve wanted one since you were a child and have been thinking about it every day since then. You pass it in IKEA and long to sit among its cushions and swing ever so slightly off its chains. Even though you know it’ll get broken at the next Milford Madness party, follow your heart; buy the cool hammock chair.


2.) Cold Stone Ice Cream:
Take a stroll down M.A.C., and you’re going to run into a Cold Stone Creamery, and you’re going to want to put their ice cream in your mouth. On a typical day, you’d walk right by knowing Tasty Twist is more in your price range, but not today. You’ve got money to blow, so ball out and get the “Gotta-Have-It” with four mix-ins!


1.) All the Alcohol:
Finally, the time has come where you can genuinely support your drinking lifestyle without mooching off your friends, family, and strangers. You made it through an East Lansing winter, you deserve a drink.   


The temperature’s going up, and your heat bill’s going down. Consumers Energy can eat our shorts; we’ll be too busy buying a bunch of crap we don’t need.



WATCH: Boofing is ruining your butthole:


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