The Michigan State Spartans began a humiliating losing streak after Riley Bullough, linebacker and captain of the team, hurt his shoulder. It kept him out of three consecutive losses, which begs the question: was he really icing his shoulder for 3 weeks…or was he doing something else? Here are 10 things The Black Sheep caught Riley Bullough doing on campus:
10.) Doing His Schoolwork Personally:
The nerd he had been giving $50/semester to write his papers for him ain’t gettin’ nothin’ this year! After Bullough realized he would be out for a few games, he decided he might as well learn a little about Communications to have something to fall back on. When asked how his courses were going, Bullough replied, “They’re hard.”
9.) Joining the WWE:
Your shoulder is in “critical condition,” Riley? We’ll all get to see how critical the condition it’s really in…when you use it to take down the Undertaker this Saturday night at the WWE Suuuuuuperslam!
8.) Asking for His “Quarter Back” at the Bank:
Everyone loves a good knee slapper! He just happens to slap his knee at the same joke at every bank within a twelve-mile radius.
7.) Rewatching the Entirety of the Friends spin-off, Joey:
Bullough’s envy for Friends character Joey Tribbiani was made obvious as he watched all 42 episodes of the ill-received sitcom. He believes that the charisma and charm Joey exudes is just something Bullough can’t seem to match. He spent three days repeatedly evaluating the spin-off, thinking of various ways to show Matt LeBlanc exactly how he’s doin’ and prove he has equally as much charm as the fictitious character.
Do we mean practicing his football moves or just hitting up the Home Essentials section of his local Target? The world may never know.
5.) Camping Out to Purchase Some Yeezy Cleats to Wear on the Sidelines:
You always want to look fashionable while you’re sitting on the sidelines, and nothing says fashionable like Kanye’s Adidas cleats! Bullough spent seven days waiting in line for the $300 $w@g! If Coach Dantonio had to comment on them, we like to think he’d say “Those aren’t helping! Those are hurting…with style.”
4.) Impregnating Women:
While maintaining strictly platonic relationships with all of his Tinder matches, Riley Bullough still seems to have made his mark on each of them in a rather unfavorable way. Homecoming weekend got a little crazy, and now he’s going to be a dad. Maybe he can’t lead the team, but he can lead a child.
3.) Offering an Underwater Basket Weaving Service on Etsy:
Nothing says “wonderful product” like the words “hipster” and “homemade”! Riley has certainly taken this to heart as he plunges seven feet under to make beautiful, hand-woven baskets for all of the avid Etsy-goers! Theresa Beal gave his product 2 stars, stating that “the basket was too wet” when her order had arrived.
2.) Reading The Black Sheep Articles:
Too angry to look at the Maryland game’s statistics and too sad for porn, Riley Bullough looks to the writers here at The Black Sheep to cheer him up in his time of need. We gotcha, buddy. We gotcha.
1.) Drowning His Sorrows with Connor Cook at Rick’s:
Given the fact that he too has not started in a single game in the current NFL season, Connor Cook has been shotgunning beers with his old teammate, empathizing with his current misery. “Y’know buddy, I didn’t start in the OSU game, but now I’m making three mil just for showing up,” Cook states while hiding his tears behind a PBR, “Oh wait…we still won that one, didn’t we? …Well, good luck with the draft!”
Now that Riley is back in action, we’ll hopefully stop seeing him do all these whacky things around campus and focus on what really matters: college football.