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Top 10 Things to Do While Your Roommate is Still Asleep


So you get up on Friday for a 10:20 recitation, and come back to see your roommate still sleeping. It’s not like you can just waltz into your own private space and be as loud as you want; you have to accommodate this heaping sack of flesh! Here are ten ways to prevent boredom while your roomie slumbers:


10.) Jerk Off:
You know how it goes…your roommate is always there! It’s like you synchronized your schedules or something! None of your roommate’s classes give you a gap suitable for a proper meat-beating. Just don’t be a screamer, and you’re ready to ride your way to Pleasure Town!


9.) Make Them Breakfast on Your George Foreman Grill:
The smell of crispy bacon in the morning alone may get them up and at ‘em ! Just whip out everyone’s favorite boxer-endorsed portable grill and you’ll certainly wake your roommate up and be on their good side.


8.) Sit in Your Chair and Wait:
A little patience never hurt anybody. All you need to do is just sit in your chair. Just…sit. They’re sure to wake up soon! Maintain that optimism, and they’ll be up in no time.


7.) Eat All of Their Combo-X-Changes:
You haven’t eaten all day, and the kid hardly ever eats their Uncrustables! We know it’s not like they’ll ever notice. Take that shit and grab yo’self an oatmeal cream pie for dessert.


6.) Moisten Your Rice Cakes So the Crunch Doesn’t Wake Them:
You obviously want to be courteous and assure that you don’t wake up your partner-in-crime, but you just know you got yourself a hankerin’ for some of those Quaker Rice Cakes. Just drop ‘em in a bowl of water to avoid the overwhelmingly loud crunch, and everything will turn out deliciously.


5.) Wake Them D’Fuck Up:
Did everything else on the list so far? They’re still asleep? Man, that just sounds fuckin’ unhealthy! Wake ‘em up already!


4.) Contemplate Whether or Not Han Shot First:
So George Lucas threw in that shot from Greedo in 1997 to make Han not look like a cold-blooded killer, but seriously, c’mon! You directed it in the first place! You have to stick to the original! To cover it up just isn’t canon.


3.) Play Connect Four with Yourself:
This win-win scenario is perfect for people who love to play Connect Four, but can never find a real challenge. If you’re that person that can never find someone who is worth your time when it comes to this cutthroat sport, consider challenging yourself and seeing how good you are at outplaying yourself!


2.) Read The State News:
LUL, as if.


1.) Kill Them:
Honestly, you need this space to yourself anyway. This town is obviously not big enough for the two a’yuh! Might as well just stop the snoring by greeting them with a pillow to the face.


If your roommate still won’t wake up, chances are, they’re dead, and you’re the key suspect. Flee.




If binge drinking is a major problem, then why does cheap beer come in packs of 30?:

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