MSU students got a very alarming alert text message Tuesday night from the MSU police stating that there had been an armed robbery at the Subway restaurant on Grand River, only a few hours after a 6-foot-tall meteor was seen in East Lansing’s night sky.
Due to these odd events that obviously aren’t a coincidence, the MSU Police Department released a public statement on Wednesday saying that this meteor is a possible suspect in the robbery that happened last night at the Subway restaurant on Grand River.
“You see,” says MSU Police Chief Reggie Brown, “We know that the suspect was wearing an orange ski mask, and the meteor was seen in the sky making an orange flash, so it’s only a logical conclusion for us to suspect the meteor in the Subway robbery. Be on the lookout, because this meteor is armed with literal firepower.”
Several eye-witnesses of the robbery have also said that the crime happened in a blur, and that the suspect was gone in a flash. One of them even stated that the robbery shook them to their very core, like an earthquake.
“I didn’t know what to do,” says eye-witness Janice Vanders, “One moment I’m casually eating my six-inch Meatball Marinara with a bag of Sun Chips, the next moment the restaurant was getting robbed by this large figure! I didn’t get a good look at them, so if the police say that it was a meteor, then I believe them. Besides, only someone with rocks for brains would rob a Subway!”
Taking these accounts into consideration, MSUPD says that the Meteor is now one of their prime suspects for this crime.
“The meteor is also wanted for a drive-by shooting across the sky,” Brown detailed, “This event left the people of Michigan in a frantic state, not believing what they had just witnessed, and crimes are known to do that to innocent bystanders. We at the MSU Police Department are hard at work to try and bring this meteor to justice for its crimes.”
The Grand River Subway and its employees may have been the victims of a five finger discount theft of their Five Dollar Footlongs, but let’s hope that they can bounce back after that thief crashed into their establishment like that.