In a tragic ending to an evening that had otherwise been going perfectly well, virgin junior Red Brittman, an engineering major, brought a romantic night to a screeching halt when, upon having sophomore Maria Klee on his single-sheet bed, he nervously blurted out “Welcome aboard!”, ending the night within a matter of seconds.
This occurred in Brittman’s extremely sparse Wilson single. The comments were prefaced by Klee climbing onto the bed after Brittman had given a nine-minute monologue about how “just ‘cause we’re going on the bed” doesn’t mean “we have to d-do anything, ah-HEH.” Klee had left without notice, gone to the bathroom, and returned with a cider mug all in the course of Brittman’s speech, when she finally told him he could just relax. This relaxation took a drastic plummet when, after the two had begun making out, Brittman atop Klee, the latter noted the “softness” of the bed and Brittman, arms on Klee’s wrists, looked around nervously and uttered the words, “Well, ya’ know, uh, welcome aboard.”
“The situation quickly escalated from there,” Brittman told us about the moment he realized the words that had actually emerged from his mouth, and tried to begin insisting that he was just making light of a pirate. “Maria just stared blankly at me as the radiator clanked in the background, and I got nervous, so I became even more committed to the pirate act, and told her I only did it because I’d constantly thought of my bed as the “S.S. Snugs-a-Lot” since the day I was born.”
When this failed to elicit anything other than further blank stares from Klee, Brittman began pulling out all the stops, shaking and laughing nervously, telling Klee “gotcha” and that she was part of a social experiment showing how young people behave in awkward situations. When Klee asked what exactly this had to do with the pirate thing, he wiped seven different elaborately colored hand-rags (each saying “”I’m not leering, I’m engineering!”!”) over his moistening scowl, breathing more and more heavily and insisting that he had to call his mom.
“I had no other choice,” Brittman tells us. “I held a fake cardboard cell phone up to my ear and said, ‘Hello? Mom? Yeah, I’m doing great, just definitely following our family’s strict religious belief that we always say ‘Welcome aboard’ every single time anybody sees us in bed.’”
Klee, starting to put on her jacket and gather her purse, pointed out that the phone was fake, causing Brittman to throw it down and hastily lean against the wall saying, “Ah-heh! So. You heard of this dweeb I share a physical form with that actually says ‘Welcome aboard’ if he gets a girl in bed? Puh!” He shakily smoothed his locks with a switchblade-comb. “Good thing he’s gone and now the real’s me in control:
Napoleon Bonaparte.” After a heavily-improvised French accent explained that they just could forget all that “welcome aboard je ne sais quoi,” Klee had already left the room.
As of yesterday, Brittman was found to be posting on Facebook about how engineering majors never get any dates.